Talk:Tenebris Mordre/@comment-30803571-20190725074306

- CNR for "Tenebris" checks out

- Appearance is fine in principle, there's an issue with the electric face massage mask but we'll come back to that, you can have the mask

- Personality is fine

- Abilities and strategy in combat is fine in theory, but may have to be changed due to issues in other sections and clearly isn't covering all it should, as there's more information that should behere in other parts of the page.

- Semblance has a number of problems. First, you say it's speed manipulation but also previously mention "velocity glyphs", i wanna make sure you know what you're talking about since speed and velocity aren't the same thing, and depending on which one you're actually using the semblance's functioning changes quite a bit. to put it simply speed is the rate of motion, that is how fast something is moving, and has no direction, only magnitude. Velcity on the other hand is a vector, it has a magnitude(speed) and a direction. you should clarify which one it is but there's more to it than just this.

Second, you say the semblance does glyphs, and then say it's used by channeling his aura through things and throwing projectiles of it. pick one

Third, the heat thing. The biggest problem here is you claim the semblance makes things break by suddenly heating them up, not only is this seriously OP it's also not how heat works. what exactly happens to something when heat up depends entirely on what it is you're heating, how fast it's heat up, and how much it's heat up. some stuff will burn, some stuff will melt, some stuff will actually break, and a lot of things will just get hot without any structural damage, a few things could actually get stronger too. Now remember what i said about the velocity and speed distinction having more to it? If you pick velocity you wouldn't be able to heat thigns up with it 'cus it'd be a single direction motion affecting the entire object.

the bottomline is there's basically two ways this semblance could work:

option 1) the semblance imparts velocity to things, that is it accelerates them in a given direction. this would allow for direct propulsion from the semblance but wouldn't allow them to accelerate vibrations 'cus it's just accelerating the entire system/object in a given direction (which could speed it up, slow them down or just alter their trajectory)

option 2) the semblance straight up affects speed, so it'd be like a speed buff/debuff on self propelling things like people, cars or rockets, though this being purely kinetic it wouldn't alter the speed at which people and animals think, only how fast they can move; and a speed increaser/reducer for stuff in motion that doesn't move on their own (like bullets, arrows and the like). In this case it could be possible to use the semblance to heat things up or cool them down by increasing the internal kinetic energy of the system/object, though for balance and practicality reasons this would have to be a separate effect (as in chosing to one or the other, or both). However it also wouldn't be possible to use the semblance to directly propel things, as it'd only alter how fast they're moving, not in what direction(s). (if you pick pure speed and glyphs, i'd advice making the heat effect a different glyph, so there'd be one glyph for displacement/movement speed, and another for internal kinetic energy/temperature)

You also have to set various limitations on the semblance, the currently present ones are fine to have but aren't enough, as they don't have a solid limit. For example, you say he can cut an object's speed in half or multiply it by 3, can he do this to a meteor or the entire planet?, neither would be acceptable. You have to set concrete limits, for example a maximum speed/velocity he can add or substract in proportion to an object's mass (i.e. X speed for Y mass) could work. Also in case you chose the pure speed option and keep the heat thing, you'd have to set separate limits to that aspect as well, that is, limits on how much heat he can apply to an object, which could be put in an amount of energy, or just an example of the results he could get on a determined object. If you chose to use glyphs for semblance, you'll also have to set limits for them, such as how far from him he can make them, size, number and/or other limits you may think of; as well as dexcribe how exactly the glyphs interact with whatever they affect.

- Weapon is mostly fine, but has a couple issues. First you say the blades are made of zirconium, you can do this but it's a bad idea, as while it's true zirconium has great corrosion resistance and good heat resistance it is also a soft, malleable metal that would be pretty bad at holding an edge, not to mention no matter what you claim they're made of there's no material known on earth that could possibly match whatever super metal it is they use in Remnant to make weapons, at best some theoretical/experimental material might but there's simply not enough available information on those to reliably claim anything; what i'm saying is you don't wanna mess with material sciences. Second, there's a charge mechanic that isn't being explained, you say he can charge his arrows but not what charging them does, if you mean his semblance that should go in the semblance section.

- Weaknesses has a number of issues. Fist of all you say "losing control" is harmful to him, but losing control how? and how is it harmful to him?, you also have to explain how his mask regulates his powers and why this is necessary. Another thing is anything semblance related should go in the semblance section, like you saying the glyphs have a maximum range of 4 meters, which should also be made more clear asthat could mean any number of things such as radius, diameter, distance from the user, etc. Next, he can't take down large structures such as buildings, period, that's way too powerful and "losing control" isn't anywhere near enough of an excuse for being able to take down buildings solely by heating them up. Last but not least, you say his semblance is linked to his emotions and getting angry makes it harder to control, but what exactly does this mean?, how is it harder to control?, is it simply because he is angry and can't think straight?, does being angry make his semblance act erratically or something else?, you have to explain how this is detrimental.

- History has quite a few problems

The first paragraph makes little sense. first is the grimm dragon, which i hope isn't the dragon/wyvern from V3 nor the same species as that'd make it outright impossible for anything to survive, it has to be a much smaller/weaker grimm and you have to make that clear somehow; i'm not asking you to make a full fanmade grimm page, but you have to put at least a bit of a description just to make sure this makes sense. Then there's him unlocking his semblance, which could make sense but it appears out of the blue and then he does nothing with it, not to mention there's no mention of him ever unlocking his aura which is a requirement for unlocking one's semblance, this all needs a clear explanation. next is him feeling pain, passing out and being found in a crater where the town used to be, there's no logical way he could survive this as he was in the middle of a grimm attack, the only way this could work is if something saved him but there's no mention of it, what saved him?, how did the town turn into a crater?, this requires changing and/or explaning. It'd also be better if you mentioned how old he was during the incident, or at least give a general sense sense of how old he was.

The second paragraph would be fine but there's the zirconium thing, which is outright false given the context, you can still have him think this but he'd be wrong which is clearly not the intent.

On the third paragraph, the part about conducting his aura through his sword and "charging arrows" may need changes depending on how you end up making hissemblance, and do remember that while semblance is derived from aura there's a difference between channeling/using your aura and using your semblance, so refer to whichever you actually mean.

Fourth paragraph, the mask comes out of nowhere, it says the huntress gave it to him but there should be more of an explanation considering how important it seems to be and the fact that it's supposed to regulate his powers. As for the swarm of grimm, this could or could not work depending on various factors, mostly how old and experienced he is in combat at the time, and how big the "swarm" is, but him surviving after passing out in the middle of nowhere shortly after attracting a bunch of grimm is dicey and would require some kind of explanation.

Fifth paragraph is mostly fine but the duel needs some explaining, did he just fight the guy right there?, did he challenge him to a duel and fight him later? maybe something else?, and you should also at least mention in what context this happened, was it in class?, during lunch?, a field trip?, somewhere in school? someplace or sometime else?, both of these things should be adressed.

- Affiliation has two problems, that's not what a sniper does, and the PTSD thing should go in personality and could also use some more explanation/description on how the episodes go.

- In Trivia you should mention that "Tenebris" is latin, not just that it means darkness

for all of the above issues, Rejected

~RP Moderation Team~