Talk:Akiba Tanegashima/@comment-25857155-20150614164308

Ok, first, red on orange is really hard to read for me. I do not know if this is the case for others. That being said, on to the part that actually matters.

First, his Appearance:   Dichromic eyes are a very rare thing that are rather overused in the fandom – be careful if you decide to leave this as a feature, as it has been quite overdone among Mary Sues. “...a cape that are fall into an edge at one side.” What do you mean the cape falls into an edge? (Grammar check there, by the way.)

Second, his Personality:   He “sees everyone else as hazy apparitions”? Is this literal, or figurative? Please clarify. Other than that and your grammar, I have no other major issues with his personality at the moment – just sounds a tad boring to me.

Third, his Background: You did not do much development on this part. Also, emotionless and anti-social are very different from shy and lethargic – which one is it? Your background disagrees with your personality section. Tragic history, ok, but why was he traumatized and his family not? I assume they were hurt by the murder as well, but you make no mention of that. Does he have motivation for becoming a hunter? If he still suffers from PTSD, you may want to put that in the Personality section, too. Also, was he present at the incident in question?

Fourth, his Weapon:   Oh boy. You already have me biased against it by naming it “ Masamune” and making it a sniper katana, both of which are overdone... also, Masamune is NOT the name of a sword; it is the name of a swordsmith from Japan, normally said to have lived in the Kamakura period, and poularly held as Japan’s best swordsmith. Not really a good name for a weapon, especially since Pries Gorō Nyūdō Masamune does not exist in Remnant (that we know of). Also, how the hell does a katana become a sniper? Nobody has been able to describe this well – oh wait, it’s a pistol, too? Oh, and it’s an Odachi, ok, too many forms. Try to limit it to two or (at most) three forms.

 “...uses solely dust...” How does it do that? If each cartridge is just packed with Dust, do they not have an actual round, or does it fire Dust crystals? Wait, I just reviewed the first part again – so it’s a sniper that can also be a sword-and-pistol combo, or an Odachi? Still too many forms, but it makes a little more sense... except that the receiver system on a pistol is drastically different from that of a rifle. With a weapon that complex, the grenades seem like overkill.

 Five. Misc. and Trivia. No semblance and low Aura control. Ok, that makes up a bit for the weaponry... but only a little. Thanks for explaining the name, I had no clue with that one. XD   It is a bit risky drawing so much from other sources, but fair enough. It seems like those quirks should go under Personality as well, but good to see them in there – that kind of detain is essential for character development.

 Alright, there ya go. I might’ve had more if I were more awake. x.x   If I did not comment on it, it probably means I think you did fine on it. =)   Hopefully this helps a bit – not trying to attack you with any of those comments, so don’t take it to heart or anything.

 I would have put it in the same comment thread, but my reply button is not working for some reason.