Thread:DustpeltX/@comment-35675122-20180617121247/@comment-13593058-20180617173845

Thanks for the message. I will try to extrapolate on my review and clear up any concerns you have.

I believe omitting the manipulation of broadcasting devices will help in balancing out the Semblance. The other concern I had was security by-pass and complete data manipulation, which is too strong in my opinion. Having the character be an expert in digital security would be a better alternative.

For your writing style. I would suggest having more flow to your writing. The paragraphs you write read more like lists that paragraphs with related ideas. You should also try to be more direct with your descriptions. No flowery sentences that make the reader have to take their own interpretations of concepts or specfications using terms nobody would use outside of a physiology textbook. For example your appearance is written like this:

''"Zilba Warwick is somewhat average in height. His body is frail and somewhat emaciated. He has stage three male pattern baldness. Despite this, his hair is long, wild, and silver instead of gray. His hair reaches down to his mid back and often finds itself dangling in his face. He has a thick, long beard with a thick mustache grown into it, making a form of combination. The beard goes all the way down to the bottom of his sternum. His eyes are a vibrant steely blue, yet are difficult to stare at as they are a window into his madness. His skin is an unnaturally pale color due to a genetic illness. His teeth are in standard condition. The nails on his left hand have grown long. His entire right arm has been replaced by a bionic arm that tends to do most of the physical labor. The bionic arm is sleek and has a fine gold finish that has worn away in some areas. This arm is disproportionate with the rest of his body. So much so that he is able to touch the ground just by standing. Despite this, he doesn't seem to be weighed down by this as much as it would seem. This arm also has three spike-like protrusions with one coming from the shoulder and two coming jutting from the humerus region. His facial structure is gaunt with a prominent smile that sends chills down the spine of those who see it. His emblem is found on his droids and engraved on the front part of the shoulder of his bionic arm."''

But I would have written it like this,

"Zilba Warwick is a man of mediocre stature with a receeding hairline. The silvering hair which remained is long and wild, easily reaching down to his mid back and often finds itself dangling in his face. Furthermore, he has a full, chest-length beard the same silver as his hair. His eyes are a vibrant steely blue and his skin is sickly pale color, due to a genetic illness. However, his gaunt appearance gaunt and ominimous smile sends chills gives a sinister aura.

''His left arm appears neglected, apparent by the overgrown and unkept nails of hand. Conversely, his entire right arm has been replaced with an oversized bionic-arm which stretches down towards the floor. The arm is worn in some places but is finished in gold. The arm also has three spike-like protrusions with one coming out the shoulder and two located between the elbow and shoulder. Finally, his emblem is found engraved on the front part of the shoulder."''

As you can see, I tried to concentrate relevant information into one paragraph while using transition words like, "furthermore", "despite", "and", "but", "however", etc. This way, the reader goes front sentence to sentence without having to restart their thought processes.

The backstory section suffers the most from this as you have broken the character's life into actual sections when one or two sentences of each part of his life would have sufficed. For example, you wanted to convey to the reader that your character was intellectually gifted. You wrote,

"Zilba's time would often be spent reading books, which were regularly brought by his parents. He was unable to attend any kind of school due to his frailty, and thus made up for it via home study. He would primarily read school issue textbooks as he felt there was more interesting content in them than works of fiction. The subjects he would read were broad. He read psychology, physics, philosophy, history, robotics, biology, and so much more. Despite this, he would dabble into the world of fiction if he had no textbooks to read, which would happen somewhat often, thus giving Zilba an impressive imagination. Zilba was capable of reading through at least two 600+ page textbooks in a day and recall everything he had read."

Instead, you could have just wrote, "Despite his frailty, we was a gifted child, able to understand high-level textbooks on various topics. He could even recall and recite information from sizable textbooks without effort."

This is a very consistent problem with everyone, not just you.

Lastly, when I say, "While not the worst character", I really mean, "this is not the worst character I've come across, but it has several elements of one that comes to mind." It's a completely neutral statement. Take it as you will. It may sound elitist at the time but going through many as many original characters as I have, one tends to target specific tropes that indicate a character that is written soley for childish reasons.

That is besides the point. My job is to accept or reject based on the site Guidelines. Unless you ask for it, I will not to give constructive criticism. I hope I have answered your questions fully.