Talk:Adrian Azul/@comment-24678303-20150210155106

The apperance seems to be lacking in the detail department, but overall seems to check out, as it covers what it needs to.

There's not much to say about Personality, aside from what i said about Apperance. Though, it's much more critical that you put in a lot of details for Personality than Apperance, as it is literally defining the character. It's always good to add in how your character will act givin certain situations, as you did for battles, but moreof as a whole. Think about how they'd react to certain types of people and those around them, not just in and out of battle.

I tried to make sense of the Backstory, i really did, but it seems rushed and nonsensical after the first couple sentences. It seemed to fall apart with the grammar and i had a hard time establishing what was actually happening.

Errm, the Fighting Style doesn't actually tell me what he is like in combat, other that he is is accurate until he, for some reason or another, enters a berserker state. More details and explanation is needed as to what more he can do in combat, as well as what actually causes him to lose control and go beserk.

Okay, he can somehow manipulate ice spikes, armor and shields. What does he use to do this? Does he have clothes embedded with ice dust? It isn't explained at all HOW he does it, whether it be via Semblance or otherwise, but just that he can do this. Those liquids also don't make sense in the RWBYverse. There aren't any sort of healing potions, poisons, acids or 'monster bait' in RWBY. Plus, after that, you stated that he can, once more inexplicably, feel what people emotions are just by making contact with their Aura. This would make sense, although it'd be incredibly limited in use.

...Okay, i don't get his weapon. It's a "War Assault Trident Rifle", but you only vaguely describe what it does in the gun department, which is essentailly what ANY gun in RWBY can do. I don't see you describing the weapon doing anything else, as the 'Trident' part of the name seems to be missing from the weapon. Also, and this is moreorless just a pet peeve of mine, but unless it is a weapon such as a M1 Garand that takes a clip of ammunition, it is a Magazine.

...The Feats place just seems like trying to be a little...For lack of better words, tryhard-ish and overpowered. I'm assuming that he is an entry-level Beacon Student, therefore it should be impossible for him to SINGLE HANDEDLY take down fifty Beowolves. Plus, if the fact that he can play the Cello isn't a feat, then don't put it in a category for feats. Actually, that fact would be better suited to go into the Trivia section.

As for the names, they do check out.

Overall, there was bad spelling and grammar throughout the page, oftentimes making it near impossible to decipher what you're actually trying to say in a given section.

Rejected for all the issues i stated above.

~RP Moderation Team~

Some solid advice from me? The chat is your best friend when designing and writing characters. You can get people's advice and, if you're lucky enough to find certain people who are in a good mood, get someone to proofread it and give you suggestions on how to improve it.