Talk:Ao Hino/@comment-13593058-20170824202553

 Ao Hino Review

Appearance
Description of appearance present. However, it reads really choppy. I feel like I'm talking to Siri, and even Siri has better flow than what's written here. Not rejectable but could use major improvement.

Personality
This section is all over the place. It started out ok and readable but really devolved into a rant of some sort to the point where I'm not sure what his personality is any more. Just tell me what he's like when interacting with other people, quirks, and stuff like that. I don't need an origin story. - Gounds for rejection.

Weapons and Abilities
Weapon rules followed.

Semblance has a tendency of enhancing lots of things without really making much of an impact but is not rejectable.

Backstory
Pretty sure I talk about this in Discord Chat about the length of the backstory. I thought I'd give you the benfit of the doubt but I seriously could not get past it when you started naming off the events that transpired for each year. While it has no unreasonable contradictions, there is too much detail about the events that occured and resembles more like a fanfiction that a backstory.

A backstory needs to be concise since anyone wishing to RP with said character will try to understand them throug the backstory. If it's too long with too much explanatory details that don't matter, noone will truly understand said character. Since the story has no contradictions despite being an absurd length, I will not reject this character based on that, but I most definitely had no fun reading the entire thing.

Miscellaneous
 Colour reference of Ao translated to Green from what language? Please state the name origin. - Grounds for rejection.

Verdict: Rejected
On the grounds of:

- Inconsistent personality

- Colour reference not clear

- Inconcise backstory*

Review Summary
Pretty good first character, but I would say you're getting a bit sidetracked in certain sections. While character profiles are there for you to present your character, it is by no means a place to tell a complete story. The more affected parts are your Personality and Backstory sections where there's a lot of extra things that describe how certain characters feel at a certain time that really bogs down the whole readability if the piece. Please don't do this, if I were feeling meaner I wouldn't read the whole thing and tell you to rewrite it on the spot but since I saw that this is your first character, I'm willing to coach you through this.

When writing anything, just go from one point to another, a significant event should not be more than 2 to three sentences and summed up in one paragraph. Nobody cares about how a character feels during a time unless it has something to do with the production of character.

The second minor issue I have is about the grammar and wording. The details are there but there are certain times were there are missing words or weird phrasing that really break me out of the flow of the character itself. This is very apparent in the Appearance section especially. Your have multiple sentences that don't flow into each other so it feels like you're just stacking information one piece at a time rather than having an organic description.

That's all the issues I have. It's a good start but you can most defini

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