Talk:Hǎiyáng Castellan/@comment-24678303-20150511170550

Okay, here we go again.

Firstly, and I’m just nitpicking here, but having a character’s birthday as “unknown” is usually considered bad form. Just sayin’.

Moving on…

” When he was ten, everything changed.”

Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Nah, I’m kidding. Still, the opportunity was there.

Okay, it says that the intensity of the fire burned off his entire right arm. In order for this to happen, the fire would have either had to have been burning away at his arm for quite a while or have been burning at about 1700 degrees (F) without managing to burn into his torso and into his internal organs. Unless it was the explosion itself that took his arm off, in which it should say so. People who lose limbs in explosions didn’t lose their limbs because of the fire, they lost it because of the force of the blast.

As for the rest of his injuries, he lost both hands, had (what I’m guessing were) 3rd degree burns on both legs and severe damage to his lungs from smoke inhalation. Not going to lie, but if it were really that bad, he should be dead. Nextly, his body was…Healed. Okay, I’m going to stop you right here again. For that to have happened, he would have either had to had about three months in a bacta tank (which doesn’t exist in this universe, so it’s rendered a moot point, not to mention it can’t heal lost limbs; see Luke Skywalker), or he would have had to have been in a coma while they tended to his wounds, putting new skin all over his body, letting his Aura heal him a bit, and replacing limbs he lost with cybernetic ones, which would break the rule of how many cybernetic parts one character would have, as you said an entire arm (hand on that side included) and one hand, plus another for at least one of his legs, if they were damaged badly enough.

Needless to say, while there are things in the RWBYVerse that can heal wounds, such as Aura, they cannot bring people back from the brink of death, and I sincerely doubt that the RWBYVerse has the technology to work miracles like that, even if it is owned by some shady unknown party. Not only that, but he is listed as having been completely improved as well as having been healed entirely. Next, this says that Ashe used the Aura to “its fullest extent”? What does this mean? As far as we know, Aura can only be used to heal ones self, not others. So, even if she had, say six other people focusing on his charred ass doing a chant or something, this will have proved an impossible feat. Then, after he wakes up from the impossible healing, she tells him to do everything she wants without question if he wants to know about his family’s death? Like, “BITCH, I was MISSING AN ARM AND MY OTHER HAND.” There is NO WAY he would be fit to do ANYTHING for at LEAST a year after waking up.

I’m going to call you out again on that weapon. It’s not a Lightsaber, as someone else corrected me and told me that it was something from SAO. Again, big nono. It’s generally an unspoken rule here that you CAN’T just copy weapons from a series, recolor/rename it and just say it’s a RWBY Weapon. Not only is it plagiarism, it’s bad form. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, just take the time to properly make your own weapon. There’s an infinite number of things you can make, and you can even ask around for ideas if need be.

Huntsmen? As in graduated, full-fledged Hunters? Okay, that is something that wouldn’t be possible for your average scrub who was just handed a weapon, given sub-par training and told to go kill who he’s told to. Granted, stealing Dust is probably a very easy task to accomplish, but why? The White Fang had motive for stealing the Dust, but I don’t think she had a reason to tell him to steal the Dust, rendering it pointless.

Okay, so Ash is the one who killed his family, big surprise there. Sarcasm warning, if you can’t tell. You do have her motive for stealing the Dust, but…What? “…rob Remnant of some of it’s only defenses.” …I am facepalming so hard right now, you wouldn’t believe the red mark on my forehead. Dust is Ammunition, Fuel, and power in general. Unless you literally have him hijacking just about every Schnee Dust Ship that comes in and literally get rid of the SDC (THAT WAS NOT A SUGGESTION), knocking off a few shops full of Dust in Vale is NOT going to affect Remnant as a whole. Granted, he’d be marked as a criminal, but they are two people (one of which apparently didn’t do anything), he really can’t have that profound of an effect on the Kingdoms, which have stood for Centuries.

Next up…what? What? I am struggling to understand this concept. She removed the aura that had been keeping him intact? I say again, WHAT? This doesn’t even make sense in the Canon universe. Not only would this count as Aura Manipulation regardless of how she accomplished this, it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to add or remove Aura from a sole individual from what we’ve seen so far. That would mean that someone’s soul is literally getting torn onto someone else’s body, pasted onto another, then torn off again. I don’t know if you understand the concept of Souls, but from what I know, this would destroy the person ENTIRELY.

Yes, because training someone to replace such a loyal servant is such a grand plan. Answer this; If she could have easily replaced him as she did then, why didn’t she just kill him (and be SURE he was dead) and just use this one Assassin that apparently had no ulterior motives for working for her like he did (ie, getting information from her) and be done with it? Man, this is looking like one of the worst villains I have EVER seen. What even is her primary goal? Don’t tell me she has the EXACT SAME motives as, say Cinder or the WF.

Who is this Aquaberry guy? Where the hell did he come from? And again with the miracle works. This is, once again, impossible in the RWBYVerse. May I also mention how, when she was supposedly keeping him together with Aura, he was MISSING AN ENTIRE ARM AND HAND? There are so many holes in this plot, it makes Michigan Roads look like a solid sheet of steel.

Again with the godmodding. Targeting EVERY living thing’s weak point is just plain unacceptable, even as a learned ability. That makes it so, no matter the opponent, you can take them out easily. Again, this is NOT okay.

Another thing. Teams are put together by the SCHOOLS. Meaning, freelance mercenaries will probably NOT go out to find some random scrubs to put together one of these teams. If they aren’t going to a Combat School (nor DID they go to one), you should not be making a team like this. That’s not how this works. Now that we’ve got the Backstory out of the way, we can FINALLY move on to the rest of the article.

Okay, the clothing would be alright and all if it weren’t for the glaringly obvious issue here; It says NOTHING in here regarding ANYTHING having to do with scars or cybernetic implants, two things he would be SURE to have if he actually did suffer the injuries you say he did before. Plus, I’m noticing a lot of, ah, ‘influences’ from several Anime characters for his clothing. Not saying it’s entirely a bad thing, but good god man, change it up a bit to make it unique. Next up, let’s go to the weapon.

> Lightsabers. Are. Awesome.

You…You didn’t even try to hide it, did you? I can’t see the picture you posted on there, but judging solely on the caption, it is a Lightsaber. Judging by the first paragraph of the description, I am mostly right.

Again, you were told before that being able to throw it and have it target ONLY weak points is VERY MUCH unacceptable, plus giving it a targeting system makes it even worse!

Okay, I’m going to skim through the rest of this weapon, because you need to scrap it, as I said before. Again, go to the Chat and ask some of our weapon specialists for help making a weapon. You can still have a sword/sawblade or whatever, but just don’t make it…This!

Here, I’ll save you some time. Chainsaw-Sword/Gun; A sword with a chainsaw blade along its length and can fold down for use as a gun of some sort. I’ll leave it up to you what kind of gun to use (ergo handgun, rifle, SMG, NOT a Minigun), but make it something that would fit the design. Tell you what, if you can get some specifics down and make it not OP as all fuck, I’ll even sketch it for you.

Now, as for the Skills & Abilities, I can accept some of it, but it, again, needs a serious redux to make it not OP. For starters, it’s good that you specify that he is best in close range skirmishes, but don’t say things like “…Can make short work of his opponents.” For what you seem to be doing with this, I’d say to make him a rogue-type character; +Agility, +Perception, +CQC, -Health, -Defense, -Damage. He can’t hit hard and can’t take much damage, but he can outmaneuver opponents easier.

As for his Aura, you need not specify that he can shield himself with it. That’s literally what all Aura does; shield its user. Again, you’d be wise to give him relatively low defense and health in favor of a higher agility. As for the attack part, one cannot use their Aura to attack someone directly. As for the Semblance, what? Wasn’t his Semblance stated somewhere above as being something that can bind and strike enemies? It seems you need to pay more attention to detail when editing articles.

As for his Semblance itself, it can’t be used to find/target ANYTHING’s weak point, end of story. I recommend finding something that is useful in and out of battle. Once you fix everything else, go get some advice from people on the Chat. Generally, you can get some decent ideas from them.

I’m not even going to go into detail on these…Whatever they are, abilities, I guess? Each one looks as OP as the next, and it’s not really needed or recommended to have these.

In the Combat Stats, as I said, trim down the Ranged, Armor, Dust and Aura for balance. These are my recommendations, but I’d say 4, 4, 5 and 4 would be good, respectively.

While the first three weaknesses are acceptable and all, I’m pretty sure everyone has a weakness to Psychological Warfare. That’s kinda the point of it. I’m seeing a lot of conflicting information with his Relationships. I’d recommend holding off on doing things with those until I can get to the rest of your characters and check them out, so you can get accurate information for each and won’t have to make more changes than you need to.

As for his Personality, a good part of it seems fine, save for some parts relating to the flawed backstory. Other than that, it looks alright. Though, as a personal request on my part, please, no clichéd anti-heros.

You say his name means Turquoise in Chinese…According to what, exactly? Google Translate seems to tell me differently.

Well, now that we’re through this, I expect you to fix the things I specified all the way through this time, and not just part of it. You wanted a review, so here you go.

Rejected.

~RP Moderation Team~