User blog comment:Strider Trinity/Review/@comment-24828824-20150114005004

Yeah I'm not a reviewer but i'm gonna take a look anyway, see what still needs work...

first things that pops out: english is not your first language. It isn't for a lot of us, but in this case I'd say go put it through a spellcheck and grammar check at least to get some of the mistakes out.

now for the rest of the page:

Background: You have made a lot of alterations here, i hardly recognize it from the earlier versions. there are however still some problems i have with it.

You have a lot to say in this brief sumary of your OC and for the most part you succeed in keeping it brief, but parts of the Signal part and especially the Beacon part seem to drag on. Also the while situation of him being this super powerful student council president/dictator might work in some stories, for RWBY it is really quite out of place. Not to mention the effect it would have on the other OCs of the fanon who are in the same age group, none of their backgrounds say anything about a charismatic leader of the student council enforcing a totalitarian policy of anti bullying.

The story about his swords, while long and not really well paced is not as problematic for a background story in RWBY. you just need to ask yourself if it is nessesary for it to be this long?

as a final point, there is no mention of his brother Silver here even though you mention him in the brief description at the top of the page. maybe a paragraph dedicated to that bit would help.

Appearance: Oh what a special snowflake we have here! before i say anything else i'll say that you at least gave him a unique and detailed appearance and spent some time thinking it up.

The first thing to keep in mind when writing is structure; you are all over the place with your descriptions! going from physical traits to clothing to accessories back to physical traits again. It is not fun to read such haphazardly written texts and certainly not when they go on and on with no real breaks. Divide the appearance in paragraphs and go from physical traits to clothing to accessories, if anything deserves special mention, you might want to give it a new paragraph.

Weapons:

Ok, this i have little problem with, it is a good and proper RWBY style weapon. However your writing is very confusing and half the time i have to guess at the meaning. The weapons themselves break no rules as far as i can see, just be sure to explain what each dust blade he uses can do. Also the dust infused cloak has to be included here as it is also a weapon.

Abilities: 

you give him excelent defenes and solid offense but weaknesses to counter him, that is good. it still isn;t as clear as it can be so i suggest some rewrites to improve the flow and the clarity. however while you stat in the background that he has underdeveloped internal organs it never really comes up beside in that sory. it doesn't impair his skill or stamina when it probably should. if his organs have been restored somehow to their proper state over the years you might want to include that too in the background, otherwise you'd have to take it in account during his fighting and metion it here.

Semblance:

All in all i think it is a pretty nice semblance. A solid increase in power with appropriate penalties and conditions. However there are a few minor things that could be done better. The whole 'fade out of existance' part is a bit extreme, you can just say it will start to affect his physical body (with the whole underdeveloped organs bit) and i dont really know if the change of the pupils of the eyes is possible, that seems more like a transformation than a cosmetic change like burning hair.

Personallity: 

Nothing out of the ordinary, no real inconcistencies with the background or the fighting style, except for one tiny detail. as he is a trained huntsman he has aura, and a bullet would hardly be a serious threat to him. you can still include the line of him taking a bullet, it just wouldn't put him in the hospital. Again same advice as the rest: try to improve the writing, the content is fine, but the delivery not so much.

Styles: 

nothing wrong here, but you might want to put it as a sub section of the Abilities paragraph.

Handicap:

Ah so this is where you put that handicap! As you can tell i was looking for it already earlier. Just place it under his abilities and it becomes much clearer for the reader. Beyond that i am no doctor but for writing purposes it seems to work.

Trivia:

ok here are some Rejectable offences that really dont need to be here: the interaction with Ozpin and Port is in violation of the canon interaction rules and with that alone you get this OC rejected, i'd say get those out ASAP. The rest of the trivia is ok.

All in all: right now as it is it would be rejected. the background is not really good and the overall quality of writing is lacking, but on most points the content itself seems fine. it needs a bit more work but it isn't a lost cause.