User blog:The Bespectacled Guy/Last Zephyr’s “Twister Pendulum” Part 1 (Draft) – Commentary

So, a user named Last Zephyr, using characters created by TorrentAB, Nederlanderz, UtterNoob, Cyrus Arc and Aquaflare, has created a story with the name “Twister Pendulum”. Billed as “A Prequel To RWBY” (odd, since we know precious little about the show anyway), it is a very good and generally well-written fan-fiction. Before the start of the story, we are invited to ‘read and review’ his story, so that’s precisely what I decided to do. Despite knowing absolutely nothing about the characters before reading the story, I have provided a commentary of sorts. However, I recommend you read the standalone tale before examining this.





''A dark-robed figure sat on the rooftop of a church, face obscured by a black hood. It faced the setting sun, golden eyes glinting in the fading light. It watched as the city lights began to turn on, and as each firefly of yellow flashed into existence, one by one, it created a rippling wave of colour stretching into the horizon. ''

'''This sets the tone nicely, with metaphors, mystery and pleasant imagery. This could be anywhere in the world: the middle of Arizona; a sleepy city in northern England; pretty much anywhere inhabited in Russia…'''

''“What an interesting place to find you, little sis.” The figure stood and turned abruptly, hood falling back as she did so. “Who are you supposed to be? It’s dangerous to come climbing on the roof, you know.” Torrent cocked his head, as the now-revealed figure looked at him. She wore a black jacket with a waist-length cape and a hood attached to the back, and knee-high dark boots over long pants streaked with red designs on the side. Interestingly, she wore a single wrist-length black glove on her right hand, but not the left. ''

There are some nice descriptions of the characters here, but the paragraphing (or rather, lack of) lets it down a little bit.

''“Tory, it’s been a bit since I last saw you. Eight years, I believe?” joked Torrent. “I don’t go by that name anymore. The ones who do know me know me as Everus Arcanum. And I still don’t get how you know my name.” Everus sized up the figure before her. He had golden eyes, like her, but at a significantly lighter shade. As she continued to look at him, he started looking more familiar, until: “Shinu? I mean, you look like someone I know, except he was kinda ... darker-toned. No wait! Stop looking at me like that! I don’t mean skin colour, I meant, um, uh, well, he looked more evil.” ''

So, evidently, people are very easily offended by comments that aren’t racist at all in this world!

''Torrent smiled a nonchalant smile. “You mean, like this?” And with that, he morphed into Shinu. “Finally recognize me, little sis?” “Wha-? How - Shinu, what’s going on? Who are you…really?” “Who am I? I am two souls in one body; I am the original heir to the Throne of Darkness. Some call me Torrent, others say I am Shinu. But it doesn’t matter to me, because I’m both. And I’ve been searching for you for a while, Tory, so I need some answers too.” ''

'''It can be extremely hard to maintain an air of mystery even after the characters have been named, but there is still a lot we are kept in the dark about at this stage of the tale. It’s very enjoyable so far.'''

''Everus sighed. “Answers? There are no answers, just events. The kingdom was obliterated, two years after you left, and the only ones left are you and me, now. But for a long time, I thought I really was alone. The family escaped to the mountains, but they were discovered and probably killed. The reason I survived is because I left them when I was fifteen, to wander around and see the world for the first time.” “Well, that sucks.” “Yes, it does, and I’d like to know where you’ve been this whole time too.” Shinu changed back into Torrent, and laughed. “Let’s see… I survived on my own in the Snowy Forest, learning how to stay alive and evade the beowolves, and eventually I got so bored of myself that I created another half, and now I’m never bored! And I went and massacred a bunch of those wolves, since it was really annoying learning how manipulate shadows while trying to run at the same time, so yeah. And I don’t know how I ended up there, so don’t ask.” ''

'''Now, gradually, we’re starting to learn more about the characters, but we’re still unaware as to what many of these things they speak of are. The manipulation of shadows? A ruined kingdom? It’s all sounding rather gothic…'''

''“Right.” Everus turned back towards the night sky. “So, now that you’re here, what do you plan on doing? Because I don’t know how you ended up in the Snowy Forest, and the whole kingdom was searched several times to find you.” “Well. You’re taking this all very well, Everus. What’s with that name anyway? Did you wanna subconsciously copy me, or did you not like your real name? Oh, and, tch, you shouldn’t be treading so carelessly on sacred ground here.” “My name was too… unusual, so I decided to go with a different one to keep anyone from following me. Apparently it didn’t work, but whatever. And this church is the tallest building in the town, and I’m waiting for something. I don’t believe in God, and after what you’ve gone through, you probably don’t either.” ''

'''And now, religion is brought into the mix! We’ll see what connection this has to the later events of the story as it goes along.'''

''“Heh, you’ve changed, little sis. Or have you? Maybe I never played it any attention before. And hey, I’m waiting for it too. I just have this weird gut feeling that something important will happen at midnight, and it’d suck if this all turned out to be fake, but since you feel it too, and it’s getting stronger, it must be real!” Let’s wait for it together then. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''(Gasps) What’s going to happen at midnight? How can they both sense it?'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Hey, why not. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''This simple, three-word phrase ends the first part of the first part. So far, this story is great. It’s full of suspense, intriguing characters and a seemingly twisted idea of the line that separates protagonists from antagonists. Who are these people? Only time will tell...'''

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">''The robed figure stood under the empty night sky. A silent city stood broken before him, shadows melted into night. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Immediately, we are thrown into another scene, with another cloaked, mysterious figure standing before another unnamed city.

<p class="MsoNormal">''He had heard about someone here who needed to be eliminated, or at least captured for the Illuminati. The citizens spoke of a god who had taken up residence in a nearby cave, and had begun clearing the forest of beasts and dangerous creatures. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''Wait, what? A god living in a nearby cave? How does that work? How did the ‘citizens’ learn about this? If I heard about a creature that lived nearby and was killing ‘beasts and dangerous creatures’ in a nearby forest, my first thought wouldn’t be: “Huzzah, the creature must be a god living in a nearby cave!” And if it’s a god, why are the Illuminati trying to kill it?'''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''So, how did they learn of this thing’s divine attributes? Did they just walk up and ask it if it was a god or not?'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''To Cobalt, this seemed like a good thing, but the people were wary and even a bit terrified of a being whom could kill the monsters so easily, and since nobody had actually seen this god, it only added to their apprehension about it. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''What, so apparently these people know nothing about this being, other than that it tears through monsters faster than the love child of Gabriel Van Helsing and Chuck Norris, and they have decided that it must be a god? They don’t even know if this thing is a humanoid! And how did they find out that it was living in a cave?'''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''Also, that’s an incorrect use of the word ‘whom’. If the sentence was, “the monsters, all of whom were dead” (for example), then it would be grammatically accurate. A better choice of word in this case would be ‘that’.'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''And he also had another reason for wanting to find this person. Powerful magic users were becoming more rare in this age, and anyone who could wield it so proficiently must have gotten it from somewhere, right? Therefore, he deduced, this being could give him a very good idea of where the organization calling themselves Revenant Placebo could be. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''Now we’re back on track with the suspense, and we have a clearer idea of who the villains are. A shady organisation called Revenant Placebo? That sounds interesting, at least.'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Cobalt straightened, at the same time spreading a pair of white wings, giving him the impression of being an angel, and rose into the empty black sky to search for the god, trying to ignore the feeling rising in his heart. Luna stood in the forest clearing, watching the snow settling like a white blanket onto the greening grass. She could feel something, an urge to look up at the empty black sky, even though it wasn’t safest for her to be out on a moonless night. ‘It’s so quiet,” she thought to herself, but even as she spoke it aloud she saw a winged form descending from the darkness. It was too big to be any kind of bird, and it was wearing some sort of garment that billowed out as it landed on the earth. Cobalt looked at the god, but as he did so he could tell that it was actually a goddess, or maybe just a human girl around his age. But she was definitely not normal. Her hair glowed faintly blue, and her eyes were a deep, unnatural blue, not unlike his electric turquoise ones. He stood, unmoving for a second, and in one fluid motion pulled off the hindering cloak that was uniform for all Illuminati members. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''The story now returns to its conventional use of description (using a wonderful simile in this instance), which makes for a nice break from all the tension-building. And, as it turns out, the crazy city-folk were correct with their outlandish predictions! The being is a kind of goddess-like entity named Luna, but Cobalt still decides to obey the orders of his superiors at Illuminati HQ, and makes an obvious threat towards the girl.'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''He unsheathed his rapier, Rhapsody, and entered a battle position, since he thought it would be rude to fight without giving the opponent time to prepare, in this situation. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''Why is he bothering with chivalry? He has been ordered to eliminate her, not have a gracious duel with her! But, maybe that’s just his nature…'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Luna realized what was going on the second the boy pulled off his cloak, revealing a long jacket and peculiarly enough, an electric blue scarf that flowed behind him in the wind. “This guy doesn’t speak much, but it’s all the more reason for me to fight him at my best,” she concluded, and summoned Moonsilver Blade. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Uh oh, shizzle’s starting to get pretty real!

<p class="MsoNormal">''“Angel, hear this. Your god does not exist. There is only one god. Mine.” ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Sorry, what?

<p class="MsoNormal">''Cobalt gave no indication of having heard her, and suddenly leaped into the air. He pulled back Rhapsody, and spun downwards at Luna in a torpedo spin. Luna leaped up as Cobalt crashed into the place she had been standing seconds earlier, and followed up with a backhand slash at his head. Cobalt, without rising, rolled under and behind Luna, then uppercut from below. Luna parried but the force sent her flying into the air, where she made a wide gesture with her unarmed hand, sending a storm of magical beams toward Cobalt. Cobalt straightened up slowly, ignoring the bolts shooting towards his head, and an explosion of grass and dirt flew into the air. Luna hovered, struggling to see a human shape in the clearing debris, and heard a buzzing noise behind her, turning just as Cobalt roundhouse kicked at her and sent her into the earth. Luna rose, ocean eyes gazing into the day blue of Cobalt’s, and Moonsilver Blade vanished. She dove backwards, at the same time drawing her two guns, and immediately began firing at the angel shape. Cobalt vanished again, but not quite fast enough, leaving a spray of red droplets falling to the earth where he had been. Luna spun around, anticipating the attack, but saw nothing. Then she felt a cold metal pressed against her throat, and stood trapped for a second, then pushed one of her guns against the angel’s stomach, leaving them both stuck. Cobalt looked down at the M1911 poking painfully into his torso, and pushed outwards with a force field, pushing the two apart. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''The fight scene that unfolds after this puzzling remark is very well described. I could easily visualise it all playing out on the snowy field of battle.'''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Luna looked back, and saw the angel with its blood-streaked white wings, so white they almost glowed in the darkness, and the fluttering turquoise scarf. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Cobalt looked at the goddess, with her sparkling hair and surprisingly modest dress, as if it could hide the magnificence underneath. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">This is a good way of displaying each character’s mortality; they are not invincible and despite being seemingly godly, they can both be easily injured, a topic that will doubtlessly spring up again at some point during the story.

<p class="MsoNormal">''They stood, gazing at each other emotionlessly across the clearing, when suddenly a roaring sound startled the two. Luna and Cobalt spun towards the direction from which it came, but could not discern anything in the gloom. Then, a small red figure burst from the shadow, collapsing at their feet. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''Luna looked down, and saw a small girl wearing a strange red cloak. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">Now who could that be?

<p class="MsoNormal">''Cobalt kept his eyes on the forest, and saw the first beowolf rise up on its hind legs and bare its bloody fangs at them. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">''As if by unspoken command, Luna and Cobalt jumped up and at the pack of wolves, determined to protect the child behind them. ''

<p class="MsoNormal">And so it ends! Overall, a pleasing start (save for that whole goddess problem), and an indicator of a strong story that will undoubtedly develop onwards from here.