User blog:EvergreenLeaf/Before and Now

So. Leaf here, and I'm making this blog while I'm still awake and the thought is still with me. Another 4 hours behind the wheel and it'll probably be gone, but enough of that, let's get down to it.

I've been thinking. Mainly about then and now. Then being when I initially joined the fanon, and now being... well... now.

So, basically I was just sitting listening to some music, for once, going through my entire track of songs alphabetically when this came on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrCC95LgxnY

Now, you're probably wondering why this got me thinking, and what it got me thinking, and if you're not thinking that, well, feel free to stop reading or read on, depending on what you want to do it doesn't really matter to me at this point in time.

Basically, what it felt like when I joined the fanon initially, and what it is like now for me.

When I first made Sven, I felt something like joy whenever I edited his page, and that first RP for me, Blast Off, with CardinWinchester, Ragadorus, The Silent Knight, Noctum Caeruleus, NoraValkerie, and Darkness Inferno, now Lauren Darkmore, and what it is like for me now, and I think I've come to the conclusion.

The happiness that I initially got from creating my OC's, the amount of time I spent in anticipation for an RP post, it's all, for lack of better word, gone. I no longer feel the joy in having an OC accepted, it's like another lap of a race that I already completed long ago, same with RPing, I need some real motivation to go post on RP's nowadays.

And then there's the reviewing.

I started reviewing back when there were no differences between reviewers and chat mods. I did it too ease the load off of the admins backs and soon after, other people started reviewing as well, we didn't review because we felt like we were obligated to, we did it because we wanted to, and that was the big part. Myself, BRTE500, and Runato (who is now gone) all actively started reviewing, and I don't know about the other two, so I can't speak for them, but I, myself, throughly enjoyed reading a person's OC and then posting a review on it.

Then came the divide between reviewers and chat mods, soon after when SelenaZephyr joined, I became the only chat mod to give up his rights to go review other people's OC's. Not because I felt oblidged to, but because reviewing was something enjoyable for me,  not a chore.

Now, I can't help but look at pending and sigh because it has turned into a chore.

I've lost all motivation to do anything on here, from my OC's for the reviewing contest to posting on Apples in the Wind. Forget pending, I want to douse it in gasoline and light it on fire. It annoys me.

And the worst part is, in recent months, my annoyance has been ignited time after time in chat. I haven't revealed the worst of me, that hasn't happened yet. But my anger has been on the rise and I will admit to being happy when flaming at some people at times. I haven't abused my power, but I'll be honest, some days, it would give me no greater pleasure than to ban the dude who's annoying me.

So, that's all I really have. I've gone from enjoying the place, to seeing it as a chore more or less, and I have no idea what to do.

Maybe you guys do.

Leaf out.