Talk:Micheal Korry/@comment-14295500-20130813172905

G'day Phoenix126! I stumbled on Micheals bio through the OC Challenge so let's have a look.

I agree with Ragdorus's evaluation of Micheal, there's a definite sense of Gary-Stu about him, and Rebellious Princess is as good a summation as any.

The main reason is empathy, how well can a reader or player relate to your RPC and can we easily put ourselves in their shoes. How many of us out there are super geniuses in and arranged marriage? Honestly I find his background completely unlike able and condescending. 'Idiots and Welps' for the people who raised him, fed him and gave him the opportunity to learn... What a brat.

Another part of his bio I shy away from is the genius part. Can you convincingly write as a genius? I don't want to be mean but considering the haphazard capitalization, punctuation and paragraphing, probably not. A botany expert? What's the difference between a monocot and a dicot? Where are the sepals? Umbel or Penicle flower arrangement? And that's just botany, but he's a genius in every single thing written down.

That's so boring for others to read and Rpc with! Geniuses and The Best are boring because you can't be better than the best. These characters can't grow or change, they stagnate. Where will this character be six months from now? Still the best and a genius at everything?

I mentioned these characters are hard to Rp with. Say my character meets your character in a fight. My character specializes in Fire Dust, killed at understanding the combustion and explosions, heat and reactions, something I've tried hard to understand. Suddenly your character pulls out the 'genius at everything' card, including 'genius at fire dust'. All my hard work is moot because 'everything' is all encompassing. It's condescending and belittling to the people trying to interact with Michael.

I feel the same way about his weapons, rings and lightning/ice powers, you're leaving no room for other Rpers.

But don't worry! This Challenge is the perfect learning exercise for you to learn from!everyone has some Mary Sues smuggled away in their closet, I have more Mary Sues than lost socks, and they were truly awful! I've also had more than a handful of Godmodders, but I've also learned characters aren't written in stone, they can change and grow and be more rewarding. Don't give up!

Think of this as Micheal V.1, back to the drawing board!

Instead of Genius at Everything, why not pick what Australians call A Legend in your own Lunchbox. Pick one tiny slice of life and know it inside out, better than everyone else. One, it's easier to research and sound authentic when you RP, and Two, its more thoughtful of other players in this Rp, so they'll want to play and interact with him.

Be specialized. The more accessories you throw at Michael, the gaudier he feels, like an eight year old girl trying on all her mother's jewelry. Pick one, Spear or Rings. Pick one, Lightning or Ice. Once you've picked one, focus on it. Lightning, what powers can be associated with lightning? Shocking for one. Paralysis for another. Perhaps, he can redirect lightning attacks thrown at him because his spear grounds them instantly. Lightning, a blinding light? The more focused his powers are, the more memorable he is.

Otherwise, his personality isn't bad, well written and detailed but lacks flaws to make human and likable. Arrogance and condescension are certainly there.

You might also want to look into an avatar or image for Michael, because a picture paints a thousand words. Try http://www.tektek.org/ or http://gen8.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Maker-1-1-346025144. Also go back through and fix up paragraphs and capitalization. Also try Bolding each of the titles, Height, Weight, Symbol, to make them stand out more.

Good luck in the challenge, remember to keep going! Don't give up!