Talk:Asriel Liengsky/@comment-13593058-20180304174408

Nothing rule breaking as far as I'm able to see, so I'll try to make the review more about the character concept instead. At least you'll be able to get some feedback about it.

My biggest gripes about this OC is mainly the round about way that he's being written, which results in every section being too long. As I read the page, I could probably summarize each paragraph written into one or two sentences with more impact than a paragraph. This is probably most evident in the backstory which is still too long for my tastes. I don't think you need to list every single minor detail that occurs that led to one event or another. Usually you'd want to generealize.

Moving on to other things like weapons and Semblance. I personally think the weapon doesn't... flow too well into each other. This might be due to how complicated it sounds, resulting in me not being able to visualize how it looks. But I think another contributing reason is that it sounds overloaded. There is simple too much going on with the Primary and Secondary. The Semblance is the same story. You know how I feel about general stat boosting abilities, I don't like them. It doesn't really add anything to the character. Sure it might make your character seem strong, but it doesn't make the character distinct. In fact, I think this is a textbook example of a Jack-of-All-Trades character, which is unfortunately, a problem with self-inserts as well.

Regardless of how I feel about this character, it is acceptable in respect to the guidelines. I just didn't enjoy reading it much.

Accepted.

~RP Moderation Team~