Talk:Berde Bazahka/@comment-13593058-20160304081423

A Review of Berde Bazahka  Appearance ''' ''' Not much to judge on a technical level. Faunus Trait present.

Creatively speaking, it’s a properly designed character focused on a motif. The design is appropriate, nothing too bland. Application of emblems as a hunter-in-training is also used justly. .  Personality ''' ''' <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">Personality is... passable. <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;border-style:none;border-width:initial;padding:0in;"><span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Weapons and Abilities '''<span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> ''' <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:4.8pt0in12pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">Weapon does not contradict with existing canon weapons nor the Fanon-Rules.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">Semblance contains various problems that include:

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">- Similarity to Nora Valkyie's Semblance

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">- General over-complication and multi-trait

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">- Aura Augmentation/Misuse/Misunderstanding <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;border-style:none;border-width:initial;padding:0in;"><span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Backstory '''<span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> ''' <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:4.8pt0in12pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">Nothing worthy to note. No contradictions. Too detailed and lengthy. <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;border-style:none;border-width:initial;padding:0in;"><span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Miscellaneous '''<span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> ''' <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Colour referenced and source checks out. <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;border-style:none;border-width:initial;padding:0in;"><span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Verdict: Rejected '''<span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> ''' <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:4.8pt0in12pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">On the grounds of:

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">- Semblance does not comply with Fanon Rules <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;border-style:none;border-width:initial;padding:0in;"><span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Review Summary '''<span style="font-size:15pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> ''' <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:4.8pt0in12pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">Another character that actually motivated me to read the entire thing and do a in-depth review on it. Let's start with the glaring issues that prevent me from accepting this OC. Please do not take this review as a personal attack against the character but a honest review in the hopes of the improvement of a character concept and the writing of its creator.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">The Semblance and Aura are the only glaring problems <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> I see because of the inaccurate application of them. For one, Aura does not necessarily increase defense nor strength, in fact, that is not what it's used for regardless of Aura level.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Aura is used as a medium for protection against attacks by sensing danger <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">, and protecting the user itself to a  certain degree . It is assumed that everyone has the same level of protection from Aura and Aura itself will not be arbitrarily different from one another.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">Jaune's healing factor is not a suitable arguement <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;"> against this as it is not an indicator for immense Aura levels to be affective of the abilities of Aura.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">In summary <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">, Aura will not toughen up nor will it augment strength. That is what Semblances are for. Speaking of Semblances:

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">The  Semblance is overly complicated , provides  too many physical traits  that it might as well be 4 Semblances combined and is too  similar to Nora's   electricty to strength conversion  Semblance.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin:12pt0in;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">The blood fueling of the Semblance was not explained properly. It gives too many traits to count and the Nerve Snap ability is so arbitrary in its condition, it's at risk of being completely over-powered and broken. Given the information at hand, I could have a fly also crash into Berde, have him dodge the fly and have a Nerve Snap and suddenly his Semblance is activiated. Alternatively, if I get a fly to crash in Berde he could have a Nerve Snap as well. Again, the activation of it is way too arbitrary to be balanced.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;">Moving on to other things that aren't grounds for rejection but general problems I had with the character namely, his personality and backstory.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;">The personality is a mess. It's so unnecessarily long to the point where anything mentioned after two paragraphs just seemed redundant or even contradictory. You keep adding these examples in the text which just drag out the personality section and then begin every knew paragaph with a new trait which I have to to back and remember if that's a trait he already has or a trait that might even be contradictory to a previous personality trait. It's so messy that it's approaching Gary-Stu with every additional trait you add to his personality. It makes him NOT a character but literally a broken every-character with ALL of life's problems at his footstep.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;">The backstory has the same problem, especially with the length. This is a summary backstory, not an fan-fiction. I'm a relatively fast reader and it even took me a good 15 minutes to get through his backstory. I can tell you with great confidence I was just gasping after the first 4 paragraphs, yelling at the monitor going, "I literally could not care less." That isn't to say the character backstory can't be or isn't interesting but the sheer amount of detail bores any reader for only wishes to get a general idea behind a character and its motivations. There is only so much a reader can endure before any additional detail becomes utterly meaningless.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;">Please review these points and refine your character.

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0.0001pt;line-height:16.5pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;border:1ptnonewindowtext;padding:0in;">If you require assistance in the matter, please feel free to ask other Fanon mambers for help. If you believe there to be a misunderstanding or mistake, please contact me via message wall or another reviewer. <span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Helvetica,sans-serif;">

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