Thread:Hallucinia/@comment-13524376-20130804212324/@comment-10545520-20130818064356

Oh....

CeroWest, I'm really, really sorry for not seeing this earlier. I'm new to using the internet, and well, I haven't really been taking a close look on my stuff. I hope you aren't mad at me for basically ignoring you for almost a few weeks. That said, let me get right down to examining your writing.

Well, on first glance, it's pretty good; there are barely any grammar mistakes, and it's quite smooth to read. That's a huge plus for a writer, as it allows readers to easily follow along, and let me tell you this: nothing turns me off more than a half-written blob of words with no punctuation on my screen. You've got that part down, alright.

One thing that stood out to me though, is your sentence structure. You keep saying: I did this. I did that. I noticed x. I noticed y. Not to say it isn't good, but after a while, it gets a bit repetitive, because you are sending out information in short, staccato bursts without letting them flow seemlessly. I would vary it a bit, perhaps like this:

The Club had just finished repairs, so I figured it was time to strike. As I entered, I noticed it was rather short on security; but that didn't mean I should overestimate my chances.

Also, the italiscized This place is full of smoke and mirrors really leaps out, and not in a good way. You should keep it blank, and try to make it seem like a thought (since no one thinks like that). Like this:

I also noticed how the trees looked incredibly lifelike, despite being digital. Heh, this place is full of smoke and mirrors. When I looked back at the dance floor, however, the twins had left it. Dammit! They gave me the slip!

In writing like that, it seems more lifelike, and allows the reader to more readily empathize with your character.

You got the dialogue down right. I would say that part is the strongest of the entire piece--you really have a talent for it, it seems. I've seen very few other writers who can write a talk with that quality.

One nitpick though, is a spoken sentence should be by itself, so the last paragraph should instead be like this:

I couldn’t help but give a frustrated groan. This was the third stop that yielded no results, and I was tired of asking nicely. Junior picked up on my frustration and rubbed salt in the wound.

“I don’t think anyone has heard of her.”

With that, I went over the edge and shot Junior across the bar and headed towards the door, but I was stopped by the security team.

I look forward to reading more of your works! Again, sorry for my late reply, and I hope that helped!