Talk:RAIN: The Chamber Spins/@comment-14295500-20130803030341

I agree with N-Death. Description promotes the greater world and makes it more immersive and more likely to like and empathise with Icarus. First cut out the script, just adding, Icarus sneered makes the scene more impressive because suddenly we hear tone.

Use your script as a jumping off point.

Add more descriptive actions, for example 'Continue their barrage' is very bland. Try learning some martial arts kicks, punches, knees, elbows... Monty's creativity is what makes his fight scenes so impressive.

Add more emotion. Sit us behind Icarus's eyes. What does he think of Melanie? Does he feel differently about Militia? Tell us more about his opinions about each. When I was learning to write I found it easier to write in first person and then convert it to third person, giving my OC a very strong personality because her thoughts were so near the surface.

Add mroe description. Break the world down into your four senses. What does he see? Do the flashing strobe lights hurt his eyes? What does he hear? The scrape of chairs, clinks of glasses and murmuring of wonder as he draws guns. The smells? Sweat, thick and cloying and disgusting, mixing with the fresh acrid smell of gun powder. What does he feel? The once cold metal heating with each shot fired, the wind off Melanie's boot's as it kicks past his ear sending his hair fluttering....

If you take the time, more people will drop in to read.