Thread:Takeshi kun21/@comment-25628022-20141117203959/@comment-8182065-20141203022703

The layout of the page is a lot more organized now. Could use some spacing in paragraphs in the History section (I only read about 1/3 of the segment as it was dfficult to find where I left off).

I was gonna tell you about the color rule, but Star had pretty much gotten to it already.

Now I've seen in the Trivia you stated that he is not of any of the 4 kingdoms. That would be fine, but you would have to put it in a way that suggests he lived in a colony/village outside one of them, because now it still leads me to think of Pandora as a 5th kingdom deal. I mean I like the reference and all to Pandora's box, although there's still a lot of issues that come with it.

For one you still have that "live longer than most" bit in there. I mean I guess it would make sense if they lived away from all the pollution of the city, lived a healthy lifestyle, but with just that phrase there it implies that there's something special about Pandora's group of people.

Continuing on with the backstory, it does get a bit confusing starting from when you mention a war and a box of light out of nowhere. Then kid Strider is somehow in the box. That leads a lot of questions to why, how, and what was he doing in there. You said he was missing, but he couldn't have been hiding in that box all along IMO (this would be where I stopped reading at).

You might want to create a header for his weapons as well, as you've included them in his Appearance section. It would be mainly to describe them a bit, give everyone some knowledge on what they can do exactly. You list some of his abilities here as well, so a sub-header for his abilities would be good as well (By the way I like the fire sword idea, and would see it working mainly because Weiss did a similar thing with ice Dust). Will say that his sword being made purely out of Dust is something that's on rejectable grounds; mainly because Dust is a finite source and his blade will be used up. You can bring up Raven as an example for this with her weapon, although she has multiple blades in her sheath she can switch out when necessary.

The "unknown Dust deposit" bit would also be rejectable, mainly because the "effects" had a permanent impact on him (side note you should replace "fatal" with a different word, as that literally means causing death, and Strider's still alive). It's too general a statement, and again from what we know Dust has no negative side effects.

And you could get away with his hair being on fire when angry (the Dust on his clothes could add to that effect), but changing his eye color would not be. We know Yang's eyes change because of her Semblance (yet with Neo that's a whole different issue as there's nothing to explain that now, so not sure how a reviewer would take it).

Going on to the Semblance, I don't see it being very canonical. Seeing into the future is more of a mental deal, and Semblances have been shown to be physical abilities so far. Clairvoyance is a skill that's very OP, and in an RP wouldn't be fun to fight a character with said ability. And again on the Dust deposits, no negative effects so far (not including burns, electrocution, etc). Not to mention those negative effects really kill the idea of the Semblance in the first place as it hinders the skill completely.

Personality is fine, doesn't have to be written fancily, although said negative effects from the Dust again. If you want him to have some moments where he starts hallucinating, you could just say the wound that was inflicted on him had a huge impact on his mental state (and I just mean the attack itself).