Talk:Nokon Ying/@comment-26104528-20150819071338

(Peer Reviewed with permission.)

Just some writing tips to start.

Spelling and Grammer, my friend. I see errors all over and it makes it hard to read. Likewise, you should use the templates "Fancharbox". Trust me. It makes the page look way more professional and easier on the eyes.

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Personality: looks shy or depressed, turns out to be a total chatterbox. Utterly emotionless or totally furious in a fight. Cries himself to sleep at times? The personality seems very inconsistent and this does NOT fill me with confidence.

Backstory: This part, I recommend you completely rework. I'm guessing he's supposed to be a graduate at the time of this. It's hard to tell without an age upfront. Either way, this really doesn't sound like a backstory and more of a mish-mash of random stuff that serves no purpose other that to make him sound edgy. BTW, in the world of OC's, edgy is not a good sign. It pretty much means you've managed to hit every bad cliche there is to hit in writing. Let's take this apart piece by piece.


 * Dead mother: Ok, sort of works as a motivation. thing is, there are already a lot of OCs here who are in the same boat or are orphans.


 * Unreasonably cruel uncle: Evil for the evulz... What does he seek to accomplish by keeping faunus prisoner in his basement. You'd think someone would have noticed kidnappings or the smell at least? Also, father's best friend's daughter. Some father he must be if he didn't act sooner about a missing daughter.


 * Learning to parkour: Nothing wrong here, but you can put this in his fighting style. It doesn't need to be in his backstory.


 * School Shenanigans, Gangs, Teen Pregnancy: This whole bit, from dating a faunus, getting attacked and drugged by a gang, then getting backstabbed by his former friends, all wholly unnessecary. I like how there's no mention of the girl's famiIy's reaction. I really don't see how this contributes to him as a character and again, just sounds like tragedy for the sake of tragedy.


 * Beacon: So, is this a different girl than that faunus in his uncle's basement? Because this also doesn't seem to add much. If anything, it just sounds like you're trying to give this guy a harem. And then swearing revenge on behalf of a teammate who was blinded by some random dude by training up his illegitmate daughter...

Seriously dude. This backstory is unacceptable.

Everything else seems to be within reason though. I really don't mean to be offensive and I apologize if I came off as such, but I'm not joking. The personality and backstory are major weakpoints in this character.