Thread:Takeshi kun21/@comment-25628022-20141117203959/@comment-8182065-20141218073604

I had enough time to go over the backstory. Thought I posted yesterday, but I guess it didn't go through.

"Antares requested the school to have a student council for the students, so the teachers at Signal agreed to request, they all considered the facility to be lackluster of late, and though it would be amusing to see this happen."

-I'm at least 90% positive that a student council is provided at any school, so him requesting one is pretty off. Him wanting to lead said council is an alright idea, although I doubt he'd get the job during his first year at Signal; he's unknown to the rest of the student body being new and all, there's more "trust" placed in upperclassmen (maturity and all), etc. He could probably get some sort of role in the student government, but the rest of his peers outright agreeing with his ideas right away doesn't seem highly likely (give it another year once they all know him better, his views, if he's fit for the position).

"Antares manipulated the rest of the student council members into being more assertive in their approach to student learning."

-This ties into the first bit again; the rest of his peers would have to have a good opinion on Antares before going through with his suggestions. Now, its good and all that he wants a proper school environment, no bullying and all. But, having a duel with somebody on the council (to specify him, and claiming Antares was the strongest makes him sounds a little Mary Sue-esque) is something I don't think would be possible. It's a combat school and all, although I don't think it's something the teachers would approve of; it's sort of a scare tactic and is no better than picking on a Faunus. Also I doubt the student council would just "disband". The current leader would just be impeached, and then replaced by someone with a more suitable role.

"Antares arrived at Beacon with his three closest friends from (the) student council. They joined up in the emerald forest and found their Game piece. They soon formed Team AWOL."

-Beacon's initiation is actually different each year (well different items are chosen at least), so I'd just replace "game piece" with "relic". I don't have much of a problem with them deciding to be on the same team beforehand, just the team name. As per the Naming Rule, it specifies a Team Name must also relate to a color just like a character themselves. AWOL, brings nothing to mind actually.

"At school Antares and his team would get into fights with kids over their skills in combat, and he would also get into fights with kids who bullied the Faunus. He was nicknamed a Faunus lover by some of the kids in his class, however it never bothered him."

-Official duels and battles are fine, although his team would just fight kids becuase of their abilities? I can understand wanting to fight strong opponents, but wanting to fight everyone doesn't seem likely. He's pretty pro Faunus from what I can tell by this point, but I'd want to know why that is. Sure being racist isn't exactly a good thing, although Antares doesn't have to do something about it all the time. So why does he act?

"One day when he was walking home to Beacon, Antares got knocked out by an unknown Faunus kid, the kid then stole his sword when he was down. Antares was then beat up by a couple of humans who resented Antares for helping the Faunus in their class. With no way to defend himself and being badly injured he lost. Antares crawled back to Signal and was fixed right up by the nurse who was shocked to find out that nobody came to his rescue."

-I think you mean "Beacon" not "Signal" in that last sentence. This part here is a bit confusing. For someone who's pro Faunus, and is known for it on campus, why would one attack and rob him? The human students beating him up is fine, although the first bit doesn't quite fit (and beating him up while he's K.O.ed is pretty malicious, just saying). Also, losing your weapon doesn't leave people completely helpless. Using your bare hands is acceptable, especially if your weapons have been thrown across the room (for a RWBY example of this, Ren was able to defend himself barehanded against the King Taijitu for a while during the initiation), so I don't see much reason for him to have gotten hurt so badly.

Continuing on about his injuries, I would have to ask if his Aura was active at the time. If so, he shouldn't have received so many great wounds, especially if Antares was just beaten up by the bullies' bare hands. It's pretty common for students to have their Aura unlocked already by the time they're in Beacon (Jaune being the exception, just cause we needed that tutorial), probably way sooner than that.

"Antares's team attacked warehouse with Antares sitting back yelling out orders, Antares and his team found the sword and left the warehouse with little to no injures. They were grounded for an entire month for evading curfew."

-This pretty much brings up the OP, Mary Sue thing again. Pretty much they came in, fought, and left in a pretty short time is what's being assumed. Sure, lowly thugs don't compare to trained Hunters, although playing dirty tends to give a bit of an edge. I'm sure someone whould've attacked Antares with his terrible injuries.

"He then graduated a few years later from Beacon, and became a hunter with his team, however it wasn't meant to last. Antares lead several campaigns against the Grimm, getting him the Nickname The Hand of God, however after a failed mission that got one of his team members crippled the group spilt up, and decide to go different ways."

-"Hand of God" OP title. I know everyone wants their characters to be completely awesome, but it drives people away from RPing with said character. I know you want your OC to be cool, special in some way and all, everybody does; however, not everyone will agree to the fact that your character is stronger, smarter, more attractive, etc. than theirs.

Also, if the team was such good friends, why is it that one mission breaks them apart? Yes, in the end one of his teammates suffered a great loss, but that doesn't mean everyone had to leave. It would make sense if Antares made a fatal mistake in his plan, refused to listen to the consequences, although everybody makes mistakes. After reading further, it does look like they still have a great relationship though.

"Antares traveled the world of remnant as an adventurer helping towns that had Grimm problems, as well as arming them, training them, and leading them to stand up to the Grimm. After a while of traveling he started to hate killing Grimm, thinking that they had Aura's, even though many people will stand to disagree. The reason to why he thinks Grimm have Aura is unknown, most people just say he's fought Grimm for so long that he understands them a little, others say he just made it up so he could retire fully with an excuse."

-Trainng, helping, etc. is understandable. Although, I do have to question where he gets the supplies for arming villages to fight the Grimm. It all can't come from his pocket, nor do all villagers have the money to afford all of it. Plus the reason Hunters are around is to defeat the Grimm in the first place; I'm sure a handful would be hired/sent out to aid villages in need.

His reasoning for not wanting to kill Grimm anymore. It's a known fact that they don't have Aura; they're souless beings bent on destruction and devastation. I don't see much there is to understand beyond that, and it's not exactly a relatable thing. I'm pretty sure Aura is one of those things that can be sensed among people (Pyrrha mentioning Jaune had a lot of it hints toward that), and nobody has sensed one from a Grimm from what we know.