Talk:Ariana Luna/@comment-13593058-20160520031550

 A Review of Ariana Luna

Appearance
Nothing technical to note. Appearance does not interfere with Fanon Rules.

Personality
Point of personality made, nothing major to note.

Weapons and Abilities
Weapon rules followed.

Semblance is sererely lacking in detail in terms of specific range and power. Aability that are up to interpretation are often at risk of being over powered or god modded. Grounds for rejection.

Backstory
Nothing worthy to note. No contradictions.

Miscellaneous
 Colour referenced and source checks out.

Verdict: Rejected
On the grounds of:

- Semblance discription is severely lacking.

Review Summary
To get straight to the point, I find the whole character rather confusing to grasp; not because of her concept or her theme but rather the way the sentences are structured. Now I understand you may not be a native speaker of English and I don't mean to offend you in any way, but the rhetoric here can really use some help. I think the problem is that none of your sentences here flow very well into each other, something which I already felt and knew would happen after reading the very first sentence in your apperance section. This is a great example to show what I mean, here is what you wrote:

"Ariana has white hair with a strand of hair sticking out of her."

Believe it or not, this is sentence has two big problems. The first very obvious one is the obnoxious dangling participle; "...with a strand of hair sticking out of her". Out of her what? Stomach? Arm pit? Nose? Now obviously nobody is that stupid; of course you meant the head but the the nonspecification of where the hair is just makes the sentence awkward.

The second part is more of a detail thing. When you wrote, "Ariana has white hair..." and then go on to say she has a single strand after that, the sentence is simply unfulfilling. Yes we know, Ariana has hair, yes we know that her hair is white, but so what? What does it look like? If you weren't such a good artist, Rift, nobody would have been able to give you a good picture of what Ariana looked like.

"She wears a fur hoodie, underneath it is a short tank top with the colors teal and purple with stars on the sides of her breast. She also wears yellow and black gloves. On her lower part, she wears white short-shorts. She wears white thigh socks and yellow and black shoes. Her emblem can be seen to her necklace."

This section has a problem of sentence overuse. She wears, she wears, she also wears... it gets really awkward reading every single sentence that begins with "She wears".

Moving on, the backstory construction is kind of in the wrong tense. For a backstory, using past tense should be more appropriate since you are talking about things that have already happened. Several instances where you could have used "was" instead of "is" makes it a rather awkward read. In addition, the flow of each thing that happens to Ariana seems disconnected, simplistic or even illogical. I cannot really describe was is wrong without writting a huge essay on the subject but I know for a fact that some things are off about the backstory.

<p style="font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Nonetheless, those are not rejectable reasons. I simply want to point out something that can definitely be improved. What is grounds for rejection is the simplicity of the Semblance. Sure, okay, there's nothing broken about the Semblance as it is just a simple, electricity-based, AOE knockback, but there doesn't seem to be a definite limit on it. Range, power, timing, nothing was said and that just seems very problematic for serious RPs. If you fix just that and include some weaknesses to the Semblance, I will accept her, however, I strongly recommend you go over your grammar and rhetoric as well. It will definitely improve the quality and readability of your character. If you want some guidance, I would suggest looking at one of my OCs as a reference for two reasons.

<p style="font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">1. She is my best written OC so far.

<p style="font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">2. She has similar design as well as the same song theme as Ariana! (Very nice choice, Renegade.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Here she is.

<p style="font-weight:normal;font-size:14px;line-height:22px;"> If you require assistance in the matter, please feel free to ask other Fanon members for help. If you believe there to be a misunderstanding or mistake, please contact me via message wall or another reviewer.