Thread:Xanneer/@comment-24911350-20140528211733/@comment-24911350-20140530173734

It's only natural to put a bit of yourself into your characters, consciously or otherwise, that's not a problem at all. Thye do talk to themselves in an odd way quite a bit though.

''  "Yin Yin?! Uhg, where is she? I really would rather not spend five minutes of yelling like an idiot. Yin?! Geez." ''

"Woo! That was pretty fun. Now to find either Yin or Zahn."

"Wow. She’s fast."

"Huff! No time to waste!"

"Alright, about dozen left. Alright. Ok. Alright. (Pant. Pant) Ah geez, need to work out more."

"Teleport!"

it may not happen much altogether, but it makes up a pretty significant part of the time they spend alone. A lot of it also ties back into my other points, as most of the monologuing seems to be for the purpose of injecting explanation. Yin Yin yelling "Teleport" is a pretty blatant way of telling the reader what her semblance is, the quote above that one is to just to say what Zahn is up against. It's a lot like the 60's Spiderman cartoons, if you've ever seen them. He's always talking to himself and narrating the story and his goals because Spiderman doesn't work with anyone, so there's not much opportunity for dialogue to advance the story. That style is called Soliloquy, and it's mostly reserved for plays for the same reason. The best example of this that you'd definitely know is the image of Juliet on her balcony, "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet." In reality, someone swooning, monologuing, and falling over themselves like that would look ridiculous, it was only done because there's no other way to get information across sometimes, but you do have other ways here. I'm not saying that characters talking to themselves is bad in itself, but its contributions to the audience's understanding needs to be more subtle than it is, or it's hard to take the characters seriously.

For the attitudes of the characters:

"Great. My team is full of meanies."

"We're way cooler than Yin Yin.

"Y'know I just noticed, the three of us aside from Yin Yin have hoods on our clothes. Heh! We're like a hooded trio of heroes!"

(Despite the baggy pants, Esther has a really nice rear) Zahn pervertedly thinks to himself

There's something to be said for cockiness and self-assurance, but it's really not the time. Maybe a little childishness is part of their personality, but they're in a potential life-or-death situation, with their future as hunters and huntresses on the line, surrounded by monsters, with a time limit. A little joking and straying from the goal might make sense, trying to take the edge off, but if that's what's going on here then I find it hard to believe they'd all just suddenly be serious and perfectly fine when they find themselves in truly stressful situations. Right now it's at a level right between those two points, so neither of them truly fit, and it's hard to figure out what's actually going on,