Talk:Tenebris Mordre/@comment-28682436-20190608042149

Okay from starters, you could give a brief description about what we are about to read like "This is my OC, he's a student at [Academy] and is/was part of [Team's name]" or something. Also we have like 5 Team CBLTs... not to say that you should look for a more original name... but you look for a more original name.

The appearance is okay. Just okay. You could add more physical traits but if you want more details here's a guide for that.

The personality is basic if not standard, if you could add things like a purpose of becoming a huntsman and his take on the world as well as personal motivations to move on plus how he acts on a daily basis and his interaction with the team would make him more interesting than just say "it's just another emo".

I would put the backstory/bio before his combat style and weaponry so we could first now how he ended up with his current equipment and learnt to use them. And with that said, I don't get his combat style. How did he learn to use glyphs? Why does only fight using glyphs? How can you call that "tactical"? From what you wrote, a big flashing light moving around the combat area isn't what someone would call "tactical".

Now his weapons: It's a scythe, okay but what type of scythe are you talking about? A war scythe? An european scythe? I would recommend to give an specific type of weapon for this. Also how big is the crossbow? Here transformations need to make sense in terms of possibility so the fact that it's a crossbow... it would be a really heavy crossbow to carry. And what do you exactly mean by dark energy? We know energy weapons exist but dark energy is not a canon concept from what we've seen so far. If you could give a small description of it with a very reasonable explanation, I guess it would be okay... that say, dark energy is a big no because there is no real light and darkness per se. And speaking of dark, what in Ozpin's name is umbral steel and black Dust? I read both descriptions and both make no sense whatsoever, but I'm just gonna talk about the black Dust since that will automatically change the "umbral steel": What element is this Black Dust? So far all dust types are elements, but black dust doesn't seem to have an actual element. A + B = C but you A + X doesn't have a real result. If you don't have an actual reason to have "Black Dust", delete that part because it leads to nowhere.

His backstory... dear Gods. So we know that he ended up in Vale which means that he must have born somewhere near the Kingdom so Beacon would know that a city is being burned by a Grimm Dragon and send a team ASAP to rescue the villagers or make the grimm retreat, right? Or maybe he born really far from the Kingdoms and he got rescued by pure chance... but how old was he when it happen? You said when he was young but how young? Young enough to not being able to realise what happened to his village that somehow, someway, turned into a crater by a fire-breathing Grimm Dragon? Since when dragons can do that by the way? Or maybe the dragon fires explosive fireballs instead of normal dragonfire, I don't know. Anyway his age is really vague and that's a huge problem since we don't know how many years was he with his family, how many years he spent training or how many years he spent with the huntress. Back to the quote story unquote, just think about this twice: "[...] through this he unlocked his semblance" How and why, exactly? There is no actual context and no previous moment where he unlocked his aura, because you have to unlock Aura first before unlocking a semblance. And no, using Ren as an example is not a good one because it's an unique case of unlocking both at the same time, and you just said semblance, not Aura.

Story time again, great he was saved by the huntress... but why did she keep him? Give some context behind this decision so the following events can make sense. Same thing goes as to why she decided to train him and... "found a connection"? To what? There is no further explanation to this or anything you've written so far. Why did he decided to have the weapons he has? How did he forge them? Did he went to a Primary Combat School or just stayed with the huntress? Why is the Huntress DEAD the next paragraph and he has a mask and on an abandoned village full of Grimm? The third paragraph makes absolutely no sense in the overall story and HOW, in the Seven Hells, he made it to Beacon? Or more importantly, how he passed the test? And even MORE importantly to get this mess of a character accepted is: What happened to him during the Fall of Beacon? Beacon students from now on must have a Fall of Beacon section on the backstory so we can know where is he in the current canon.

I won't talk about his semblance, I'll let Reviewers deal with that. But I will only say this: change it.

Your character needs a lot of work to make him a reasonable OC. Pretty much all sections have huge flaws that must be fixed. I didn't want to be so rough with this comment, but after reading about "Black Dust" and "Umbral Steel", I couldn't afford it.

Good luck man, you will really need it.

- Asriel, just a guy being a dude.