Talk:Marrone Dilavavi/@comment-24678303-20150518170811

I went further into detail and had this typed up last week, but i'm just now getting around to posting this.

Okay, first thing I notice when going into this is the last sentence of the Appearance, which states “Ammo Clips” instead of magazines. I did scroll down to the weapon to double check and they are supposed to be magazines. If you are one of the uninformed scrubs, http://puu.sh/hO6wc.jpg.

Next up is the History. In the first paragraph, I’m seeing things that don’t sync up with Canon already. While I’m not saying there aren’t old temples and ruins around (as there are sure to be) and archeologists who explore these relics of civilizations who have been long dead, there were no great civilizations before the Grimm. From what we know, Grimm have been around just as long, if not longer, than Humanity, so there couldn’t have been a temple from “before the appearance of the Grimm”.

I would say there’s something wrong with the bit about the Martial Arts (as it just seems a bit…Off to me), but I’m no expert in any of those type of things and I’m too tired to look into it, so, if it is wrong, it’s going to slip under my radar.

The weapon needs more detail regarding exactly how fast it fires, plus an ammo capacity. I’d recommend taking a look at real world SMGs and basing your overall ROF off that, rather than just saying that it fires fast enough to “literally tear Grimm to shreds”, because that’s just asking for trouble. As for the ammo capacity, SMGs usually chew through ammo notoriously fast, so this is probably an important detail. What, were you expecting me to let you have a bullet hose with bottomless mags? Plus, having the stopping power of these weapons would also be a wise idea, though I expect it to be about the same as your average 9mm SMG.

As for the Semblance, I will say it is pretty original. I’m not seeing anything wrong with it at a glance, but if it is unacceptable in some way, I’m sure someone else (who is probably less tired than I) will probably catch it. Otherwise, it looks good.

Rejected, but fix the things I stated above and he’s good.

~RP Moderation Team~