Talk:Lyall Averett/@comment-25857155-20150723214916

Ohh boy - I apologize in advance, but I can point out a number of things that might get your character rejected again – hopefully I can help without getting you too upset. Please bear with me and read the review, or at the very least check out most of the links (you can ignore the first one if you want; it’s just me shamelessly advertising my own OC.)

Problem #1: Grey-haired wolf Faunus with amber eyes. Incredibly overdone, though I can't fault much there. (See: Argo Cident, made by yours truly.)

Problem #2: Personality conflict. "...cool, reserved, and serious..." but "....doesn't lack a humorous side" and "...an open person [who] is not afraid to speak his mind" do not normally go together - at least, not the second two with the first. Big conflict of personality there, to be reserved but outspoken.

Problem #3: Mysteriously friendly but sarcastic introvert. You mention several times that he prefers to be alone and read, but that he opens up and easily joins in conversations when inserted into a crowd. The dry wit and sarcasm are fine, but you make him sounds too nice and outgoing, if you ask me (granted, you didn't, but I'm telling you anyway. Again, I apologize.)

Problem #4: A semblance is unique to a person, and is not developed by experimentation (at least not that we have seen in canon). Not to mention, you left the explanation very vague, and there has been no indication that the Fang have the kind of tech for that sort of experimentation. Also, control of the elements is WAY to overpowered, and has far too many functions to be a semblance. Check out this page for help with a decent semblance: [].

Problem #5: Weapon detail. It needs a separate section, really, preferably with more detail on how it functions on its own rather than just in his hands. Also... "Lyall is able to use all three blades in tandem..." Wait, THREE blades? You said it had a trident form and a dual-blade form (you did not explain how they combine into a trident at all, by the way), but made no mention of a third blade that could be used at the same time - that IS what tandem means, right? And you put a gun on the end, too – geeze, that’s a bit much. Take a look here, maybe it will help: []. Also, take a look at some other fan-made weapons around the site.

Problem #6: Of course he has above average stats; he’s attending a combat school. However, remember that you are comparing him to other students of similar capabilities – he won’t be that special. You also made no mention whatsoever of the strength of his Aura. We have seen that other hunters in training are perfectly capable of the seemingly impressive feats you listed, too, so that kind of goes without saying.

Problem #7: Spelling and grammar. I’m not one of the approving officials, so this may not actually matter, but you have a few errors – especially one in one of the first paragraphs where you wrote “her” instead of “he” or “his”. You have a few other odd grammatical errors, but nothing too bad – it’s actually a lot better than some others I have seen (mostly on other sites, granted).

Problem #8: Compile the backstory in one place. You made mention of it earlier, but it may be better to look at the way others have their OCs laid out and follow a similar template. I prefer to have the combat info last on the dossier, but that is personal preference.

Problem #9: The actual background. No mention of time range or age – was he already at Beacon at the time? I doubt Ozpin would allow an active White Fang – wait, forgot who I was talking about for a moment. (Oh, there’s a spelling mistake – “apart” instead of “a part.”) Why did his partner betray him? Who was she? How did he find out about these experiments? Why did he think it was any of his business? HOW did she betray him? WHY did they “test” him first? How did he escape? ‘’How old was he?’’ Why did he work by himself rather than taking it to someone else? Why did he even feel the need to stop them?

Problem #10: CNR, CNR, CNR. Color. Naming. Rule. Make it fit, or explain it. [] Has details on it.

Problem #11: Likes are boring, Dislikes makes him sound like a shut-in blog-browser (or like a normal student, which is boring), and his special skills are not explained ANYWHERE but in the character box. Does he even OWN a motorcycle? How does he know how to drive one? Parkour, ok, again, you didn’t mention it anywhere, same with acrobatics. Explain the skills elsewhere.

Problem #12: Even with the characters I have with no living relatives, I at least make SOME mention of them in their background or personality – like, “orphaned at a young age” kind of thing. You did no such thing.

Alright – that’s all I have at the moment. Oh, hold on – [] might help you, also, though I’m not sure how up-to-date it is, as it makes no mention of the Color Naming Rule that I could find.