Talk:Alabaster Nightingale/@comment-30803571-20190813205918

- CNR for Alabaster checks out

- appearance is fine, though i'm not sure what you mean by "colder with fair skin"

- personality is fine

- backstory is fine

- weapon forms are fine in principle, but the transformation process to rifle doesn't sound like it makes sense, this needs either a better explanation or a change so it makes sense. more importantly though you can't have the weapon absorb Dust attacks, not even partially. there's nothing suggesting this is even remotely possible and everything in canon indicates spent Dust stays spent no matter what, not to mention it's particularly nonsensical with things like earth, ice or water Dust. you can't do this just like you can't turn back thermodynamics.

- semblance is fine as far as having those 3 forms goes, but the specifics have issues. first of all you need a better way to describe it's capabilities. you really can't equate a bunch of birds to an rpg 'cus they simply work too differently to draw any parallels, and describing it's durability in "hits" is completely irrelevant and arbitrary and nothing says what a "hit" is, you need better comparisons and a more concrete way to decribe the semblance's capabilities. Dust interaction also has issues. for gravity Dust, 5 inches of metal isn't just vaque, it is also potentially supidly OP. if it's gallium then it's nothing, if it's whatever weapons are made of in remnant then it's ridiculously powerful; for the humanoid, 10 huntsmen is way WAY too powerful unless they are absolute chumps and even then it's pretty vague, not to mention the feats you list are within what a single huntsman could potentially do anyways, and there's no reason gravity Dust would increase strenght to begin with. for Fire Dust you really just have to better define the range, what exactly are those 40 feet?, radius?, diameter?, a cone of effect? something else?, and from where?, "a massive fireball" is also fairly subjective and it'd be better if you defined it more clearly. ice Dust seems fine, though you may want to better describe what the "icy grip" does unless you just mean it's very very cold.

- abilities are mostly fine, but there's an issue with the Dust casting. it's mentioned that he has mastered all of his father's spells save for the "forbidden ones" but there's no mention of which spells these are, and there's no mention of which are the "forbidden spells" in his father's page, as such it's impossible to tell what he can do as far as his father's teachings are concerned which needs to be defined. his own spells seem fine on their own though.

last but not least, the entire page is riddled with spelling, grammar, punctuation and outright wording mistakes. while it's still possible to deduce what it all means you really should work on fixing this.

Rejected

~RP Moderation Team~