Talk:Nemophila Windrunner/@comment-1309458-20140826233400

Alrighty, let's get this show on the road. Warning: this is longer than your actual profile. Also, this is a review in two parts. Just a heads up.

Review - Part 1

GRAMMAR, FORMATTING, AND INCONSISTENCIES (CHANGES WILL BE BOLDED - PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION)

"Norah Windrunner is the tactitian and front line (Front line what?) for Team (Capitalize that T) LGNR and a creation of Clocktower_Echoes. (I would argue against placing the owner's name in the intro, but there's no rule against it. At the very least, you should link it to your user page for convenience's sake.)"

Appearance

Norah often displays a look of militaristic discipline on her face, with her eyes straight forward and with not much of a smile. This is unfortunate as she possesses what was referred to as the "best smile in her class." (Move that period inside the quotes.) She has a reddish hair that's kept in a ponytail and blue eyes. She has permanent marks on her face after a childhood incident that led to all of her siblings being killed. It's been noted that she has a small weakness to roses, often offsetting her serious look as she wears a choker with a red rose on it as well as a necklace full of tiny roses. (It makes no sense for this section to be here. I would also suggest making one unified paragraph for her entire appearance, as I'm about to do.) (Also, I'm not entirely clear on why it offsets her "serious look." Be more specific.)

She wears a sky blue combat skirt that goes halfway down her thigh over a darker blue undershirt. She also wears a belt holding several pouchs, the purposes of which are unknown to others. Various rumors of their contents have spread among the students. Her black combat boots are heeled and have red detailngs that go just below where her skirt ends and have straps instead of laces. She also wears black kote-style armored sleeves (I do believe these are known as gauntlets, so you may change it to that if you wish) that stretch along the length of her forearm and have spikes over the hand flaps. The one on her right hand has a retratable claw mechanism for her secondary weapon, "Illusion Breaker." (Move that period inside the quotes.) When riding her motorcycle, she dons a sleek military (Be rid of that comma after "sleek") combat helmet with a golden yellow visor as a motorcycle helmet.

 Personality

Norah was raised with a high expectation that she would have great martial skills, a fact that has significantly influenced her personality. Although she is a skilled fighter and brilliant tactician, many people dislike her as she looks down on everyone as they, in her words, didn't have the same "true, militaristic, disciplined and rigorous training" (This quote sounds somewhat unnatural. You may wish to change it to be more natural-sounding) she went through (Improper use of quotations, so I moved them along) or "won countless tournaments and fights with little effort." (Once again, period before quotes) She often considers herself superior to just about everyone else, viewing their problems as being beneath her. She's known in school ("in school," not "in the school") as "the girl whose ego is bigger than herself." (Period before quotes)

Norah has a tendancy of snapping at people she views as beneath her due to a combination of past tramua and a hard youth. However, she has shown she does have the side of a sympathic leader especially with those who share a difficult, hard, (Add in that final comma) or traumatizing youth. She has worked and trained very hard to try and gain the recognition of her father, who believes that she isn't worthy of being the heir of the Windrunner family, a family famed for its male military tacticians and legendary soldiers.

When she first heard Leonardo's (You should link to his page) commands during initiation, she flat out refused to follow his orders until she nearly died. Even (Remove that "and") after Ozpin declared Leonardo to be the team's leader, she (Remove the "once again") refused to follow him up until she was caught in another do-or-die situation. Later, after she accepted Leonardo's status as team leader and that nothing would change that, Leonardo consults her first on anything, (Add comma, get rid of "ranging") from battlefield plans to homework to what to eat for lunch. (Remove "at times")

History

Norah's mother died in childbirth and, as a result, she was raised by a strict father, who secretly blames Norah for her mother's death. She has four other siblings: three boys and one (Remove the "other") girl. They were given military training from the day they could walk and tutoring since the day they could talk. Everything in Norah's life was black and white'''. There was no point in trying to resist, especially in Norah's case due to her status as''' the youngest child.

Despite the daily ten-mile runs and boring lectures about history and science and what old man did what, Norah and her siblings still found time to play with each other, whether it was during their scheduled breaks or in the dead of night. The games they played were no different than the games of other children. Tag was (Remove "to be") played in the estate's huge front lawn, card games were played with servants regularly bringing them cold drinks, and chess was (Remove "to be") played on the third floor balcony with ivory and ebony pieces. Carolina (Who is Carolina?) regularly felt that if she wasn't forced to do endurance training everyday, she would have a great life. She only wished that her father noticed her existence.

Then, there came a day that she would never forget. When she was nine, she and her siblings were being driven to their favorite restaurant by their driver Charles in the family limo, each one of them dressed proud and proper in their finest clothing. As they were stuck in traffic, waiting for (There are some obvious missing pieces here. Fill those in.) beside (Remove the "a") two men to stop fighting, one man finally snapped, injected something into his arm, and punched the other man so hard his head got stuck in the truck's door. Norah would never forget the red rage the man's eyes had as he suddenly went on a rampage, tossing cars like building blocks and swatting people away like her many dolls.

Charles got everyone out of the limo before the man sent a large chunk of a car's engine at it. He (Make this a seperate sentence) then pulled out a gun and told them to run as fast as they could. Just as the six siblings turned and ran, they heard Charles yell in pain and saw that he was being impaled by a large, crude spear the man used his super human strength to make. Norah stopped in fear as the rage-induced man ran towards her, setting fire to everything in his way until the highway looked like a wildfire. As the man prepared to squish Norah like a bug, her second oldest brother, Donovan, ran towards him, his shock lance in hand, and stabbed the man. The stun effect of his lance only worked for so long. (Seperate the sentence) When Carolina (Who?) had almost caught up to the rest of her siblings who were screaming for her, she saw Donovan fly through the air and land on a heavily smashed car, (Add the comma) dead.

She picked up her brother's lance and held it up as the man walked towards her. "Don't you dare take another step forward!" '''she yelled. (Making it sound less awkward) The man only smiled as he picked up the pieces of a truck's wreckage '''and threw them at her siblings, silencing all of them at once. Norah was once again unable to move and dropped the lance, turning her head to see the man wind up a killing blow for her. As the tears started to slide down her eyes, a flash of white appeared and she suddenly saw her would-be killer on his back. A woman wearing a white hood and cloak had appeared in front of her (I'm not making judgements, but this sounds like Summer Rose, in which case, you should NOT use canon characters in an OC's backstory) and, as if she was Norah's own guardian angel, had saved her.

Norah had heard of these kinds of people before, one her history tutors mentioned something about "hunters and huntresses." (Comma, quotes) (Also, hunters and huntresses are far more well known than just that. EVERYONE should know who they are) When the enraged man finally laid dead at the feet of the white-hooded women, she dropped a pendant by Norah's feet and whispered, "Chase your dreams, or your vengance" (Remove that period) before taking off. Since that day, she had completely changed herself from a spoiled girl who viewed training as a disturbance (Remove "in her days") to a girl that would chase her own dream. (Separate sentences) She would go to Signal and become a huntress, swearing to avenge her siblings and ensure no other littler girl would have to go through the same thing she did'''. (Add that last period in) (The wording makes little sense. The killer's already dead, so there's no one to avenge or get revenge on. In addition, it makes sense that she'd be spurred after what she saw to become a huntress but not for these reasons. She should have been inspired simply to make sure no one experiences what she experienced again, rather than giving her a revenge motive)'''

Weapons

(I would suggest fusing "Weapons" and "Abilites & Semblance" into one unified "Abilities" section for simplicity's sake. I would also recommend writing it all out in paragraph form)

Primary Weapon 1 Type: Bladed Combat Heels (x2)

Primary Weapon 1 Name:
 * Dust Devils

Description (Dust Devils)
 * They are white heeled combat boots (No need for justification; this is the RWBYverse, remember) with blades running along the back and steel toed cap. They look like normal, high-end heeled boots you would find at pricy retail stores combined with military-styled combat boots. They have intricate detailing running up the sides of them that glow a devilish red when she attacks with them using Dust, hence the name "Dust Devils." (Combine those sentences) They also have a "ground pound" abilty which allows Norah to shake the ground around her within a ten-foot raidus that can catch enemies off guard (Remove "with") and set them up for more attacks.

Secondary Weapon Type:
 * Retracting Claw Gauntlet

Secondary Weapon Name:
 * Illusion Breaker

Description (Illusion Breaker)
 * Norah's right gaunlet that carries a retracting claw mechanism. It's used primarily as a parrying weapon but it still has a good deal of cutting power.

Abilities & Semblance

Semblance Name
 * Windrunner

Semblance Description

A semblance that runs in the Windrunner family, Norah can run incredibly fast but only in short distance so it almost looks like she "blinks" when she uses it. Handy for getting out of tight spots or into them.

(As for her stats, I would advise against using the chart. Putting a numerical value on an OC's stats is largely only an entry point into criticisms about being "overpowered" or other such things)

Norah's advantage in combat is that she can move and attack at incredible speeds. Her fighting style uses fast, precice strikes to take down enemies quickly and with precision, or at least to provide one hell of a distraction. Despite her attacks being strong and quick, Norah often focuses on taking down people one at a time out of personal preference, ensuring that she "finished the job correctly," (Move comma before quotes) which means she will often require assistance in dealing with multiple targets at once, much to the resentment of her ego. (As someone trained in military tactics, this makes no sense. Military tactics emphasize teamwork. She should be glad to have her team. Not only that, but she must not have taken to her training very well if her ego makes her subject to "personal preference")

(There's an unnecessary line break here. Get rid of it)

(Get rid of the "also") Due to her pseudo-military (Why is it "pseudo-military?" If her father's a military man, then it should be actual "military") training that started from a young age, her attacks (There was a redundant "are attacks" here) are always spot on and she rarely misses. (Seperate sentences) She also has a sizable amount of knowledge on the anatomy of both humans and Grimm (capitalize "Grimm"). Her strategies are also second to none, only failing when Norah is incredibly distracted (i.e. when something that reminds her of her past or siblings comes up). (You might actually mean "e.g." and not "i.e." here)

Relationships

Leon (Link to his page) was at first an unwelcome change in her life, seeing his role as leader as a direct insult to her training. She makes various attempts to prove that she is better suited to lead the team, with various amounts of success and she sometimes just flat out ignores Leon's commands. She changes her views on him when one of her plans went astray and is nearly killed (Remove "by it") only to be saved by Leon, who reveals that he also thought that she was more fit to lead the team and that he never held it against her that she tried to usurp his position, saying that he views her as a role model for a leader. Afterwards, (Add that comma in) Norah becomes slightly more "tamed" in her actions and not acting like a b**** (It'd be better not to be so vulgar on character profiles; save that for fics and RPs) so often. She also develops small feelings for Leon and can get quite flustered when he catches her off guard.

(Unnecessary line break)

Like the rest of the team, she see Gavril (Link to his page) as a big brother and a mind bent on philosophy. Her interactions with him are limited however as Gravil is relatively quiet and keeps to himself even more than Leon does.

(Unnecessary line break)

Like Leon, she see Rihou as both a strong member of the team and as a health hazard. Her relationship with Rihou changes constantly, sometimes acting like best friends when they get along and other times mortal enemies when, for example, Rihou burns part of her hair or practices with her weapon in the dorm room.

Trivia

(This whole section is formatted incorrectly. Use proper indents)

> Her name is derived from the Latin word for Honor, which is a referance to her family's military background.

> Her middle name, Gorn, is derived from "Gorm", the Irish word for "Blue"

> Her favorite music artist is Bantonio Andarez, an easily identifiable reference to the real life musician Antonio Banderas

> She is the shortest member of Team (Capitalize the "T") LGNR, making her susceptible to the occasional "you're so small and cute" tease.

> After she accepts the fact that nothing will change Leonardo's position as team leader, she starts growing small feelings for him.

> Norah is based on the Red vs Blue character, (Fix that comma placement!) Agent Carolina. (Seperate sentences) The two share many of the same personality traits like always trying to be the best.

> Her Illusion Breaker is based on Tohma Kamijou's ability called "Imagine Breaker" from the anime "To Aru Majistu no Index." (Move the period)

> Her irrational fear of toasters comes from an incident during her innocent youth where she had really long hair and managed to get it caught in a toaster which was toasting her morning bread. This event is also why she now prefers to have short hair.

> She also owns a motorcycle of which is based off of Agent Texas' motorcycle in Red vs Blue.

(PART TWO OF THE REVIEW INCOMING)