Talk:Tenebris Mordre/@comment-30803571-20200102014524

'kay there's been improvements here, but there's still some issues

- Appearance is fine

- Personality is fine

- Abilities/Strategy is fine

- Semblance is mostly fine, what is on the semblance section itself is fine, some things from the weaknesses section need to be better defined. to be precise, the limits aren't the most clear and in one case are self contradicting. First you say he can't affect something the size of an airship without heavily straining himself; while this is fine in principle, "airship" is a huge range, so using something more precise as analogue would be better to make sure it's within reasonable limits.

Another thing is you say he's limited to affecting no more than 300kg with his semblance, but any and all airships would be heavier than that to begin with, so the previous statement becomes moot. If anything you could say he's limited to using his semblance's maximum output (as in the speed multiplier/divider) on objects up to 300kg, after which it goes down the heavier the affected object is, which i think is a reasonable limit. However this wouldn't really be enough either, you still need to set a limit to how much speed, in numbers, he can add or substract from something, preferably in relation to it's mass. As in, how much speed in m/s can he add or substract from an object of X mass, that alone would be enough of a limiter being honest, just gotta make sure it's within reason.

Last but not least, you say his glyphs have a maximum range of 5 meters, but don't define what that range is. is it the size of the glyphs or how far from him he can make them?, this should be made clear,. (though with how it works it doesn't sound like the glyph's size really matters, as it seems to be a "mark object for effect" kinda thing, if it's not then that should be made clear too)

I also think it'd be better if the concrete limits for his semblance were on the semblance section instead of the weaknessess one too, it'd be better organised imho.

- Weapon is fine

- Weaknessess is fine save for the semblance stuff already pointed out

- History is mostly fine, though it is weird that his mentor calls him "a dragon" considering his trauma is related to a grimm dragon, it'd be better if you explained the logic behind this. While we're on it you may want to make sure it's clear the dragon from his backstory is not the same kind as the dragon from volume 3, a note at the bottom of the page should suffice (i reccomend using the refference function, since you can link them to the relevant part of the text), could even give a quick description of the beast.

- Affiliation has a couple problems. 1) you say he's the team's sniper but his fighting style isn't that of a sniper, so that makes no sense. 2) who even is "Hendrickson Vortis"? he's not mentioned anywhere in his backstory, and his relationship with Tenebris isn't explained at all, whatever might be going on here you need to explain it.

- Trivia is fine, but you should mention Tenebris is Latin, better not have missing information.

If you need help getting this done feel free to join the fanon's discord server and ask there, both reviewers and other users will generally be willing to help.

Rejected

~RP Moderation Team~