Thread:Elektro7/@comment-28257386-20140624062533/@comment-24911350-20140624232949

- Sticking with 2nd person present tense is a still a bit unorthodox, but it is working much, much better in this one.

- The dialogue and action are still pretty segregated. There's more combination of the two than in A Pawn's Tale, but not much of it is meaningful. A lot of it is just "_____ says, does X action"

"She says with a roll of her eyes."

"Yin says, putting a hand on his shoulder, with a calm look on her face."

"Rouge says as stands up with duffel bag over her shoulder."

"She says with a little wave as she too takes her leave."

It's better than having none at all, but it gets kind of stale using the same formula over and over, and doesn't contribute much to the characters. There seems to be very little emotion in the dialogue, and dialogue/action combinations.

You've probably heard something along the lines of "said is dead" too at some point, which is also something to keep in mind. Don't go overboard with this though, I wouldn't even go for using "said" less than two thirds of the time as a general, loose rule, but try changing it up more often when a good opportunity presents itself.

- There are still a few "[Sigh]"s around, one of them even in Zahn's thoughts at one point.

- With continuous content, you've also got to be very careful of inconsistencies. While it's possible that someone would have stuck around to watch RWBY and JNPR fight the Nevermore and Deathstalker, it's borderline impossible that they would have seen and understood every single detail like what's mentioned.

Even if they did, it probably wouldn't spread because we have seen how competitive things can be at Beacon. Even then, Ruby would probably be denying it all to maintain her "normal knees", and would be taken the most seriously because she's the leader.

- Also, Yang's punches don't throw fire unless Ember Celica is firing. Even when her semblance is coming into play her fire only trailer behind or cloaks her, never extending reach or having an effect on anything but Yang herself (Excepting the shockwave that comes with its activation)

- The moment after the fight when Rouge is upset seems out of place, and really seems to show that she has no self-awareness. If she won and Yang lost, would she think that Yang has no place being a huntress? Probably not. She can't be both so full of herself that she'd think that, and yet not enough to earnestly take some hackneyed advice from a total stranger seconds later. She's either an immature child, or a complete fool the way things are done there.