Talk:Cold Steel and Fiery Vengeance(Crossover)/@comment-24304510-20140217020359

It's an interesting idea. You asked for an opinion on things that seem out of place or contradictory, so here they are.

It makes no sense that Ruby would be mad at Weiss for doing her job correctly, especially since Ruby, the team leader, would have assigned her to it. Did you mean that Ruby thought Weiss didn't take down the leader fast enough? Might want to add that in.

How did Blake and Velvet come to know each other? This is a pretty important relationship in this story, but it's never explained how it came to be.

Speaking of Velvet, if she and Pyrrha were nearby when the Cyber-King was abducting Yang, why didn't they help out immediately? And if the Cyber-King is unaffected by bullets, why did he need Weiss to take care of his attackers? I understand that this moment was to reveal where Weiss went, but there should be a better way to handle this.

Thinking on that moment, why was everyone shooting the Cyber-King right then? Didn't he have Yang and Velvet unconscious over his shoulders? It'd be pretty easy to hit them in the crossfire.

Why was Blake used as the fake messenger instead of Ruby? Weiss definitely doesn't share the same connection she does with her partner. And speaking of that message, what spurred Weiss to suddenly start questioning its validity?

And why wouldn't the Cyber-King just turn Weiss into a Cybershade? There's no reason for him not to, she'd likely willingly submit to the cause. I know that it's because Weiss needs to turn on him during the siege, but it seems like a big oversight on his part. He needs a motive for not bringing her directly under his control. Same with Yang. He could have just made them all like Velvet, couldn't he?

Those are my big initial concerns. Other than that, you really should run through it again. Try reading it out loud to yourself to see if some of your grammar makes sense. Also, try to differentiate between scene changes during chapters. It can get extremely confusing at points.

Finally, specify that this is a crossover, even if it doesn't occur until the end.

Peace out.

- Sparky