Thread:Angren Túrë/@comment-13524376-20130730214041/@comment-4830106-20130730220133

While I like the premise, and I think Icarus (good pic, by the way) has a lot of potential, I wasn't thrilled by the dialogue or the layout. For example, you always did stage directions (I'm going to be using film terms) as a character's line. You should only include stage directions as a character's line if they have a speaking line during the action, or if you're trying to portray an emotion. Stage directions that are only action and don't accompany a spoken line should be separate. For example:

(Ruby unsheathes and activates Crescent Rose, then slams the tip into the ground)

Ruby (innocently): I'm sorry, what was that?

Arsonist (puts out blowtorch): You know what? I'll just leave this here.

Along those lines, makes it a little easier to follow.

As for the dialogue, three seasons of Game of Thrones have turned me into something of a super-critic on this subject, so just bear with me if this gets a little blunt.

--Avoid overusing one-liners. That's the hallmark of a "B" movie.

--Avoid generic dialogue in general. While Icarus had a lot of badass lines (he reminded me of a Noir detective), it would have been nice to see him say something else.

--Write dialogue particular to your characters (and I am guilty of this as well). If all of your characters have the same kind of lines, it gets old really fast.

--Try to lead into the setting a bit more. I had no idea who Icarus was, or what he was doing in Junior's club. I didn't even know he was a Beacon student until the last line.

--DO NOT have your characters assume omniscient roles (sorry, but this is a big pet peeve of mine). For example, when Junior called off the Twins to have Icarus ask him for information, it sounded pretty hokey, and just not realistic at all. How did Junior know that Icarus was there for information? And even if that's what everyone comes to see Junior for, Junior should have played ignorant for a bit until Icarus revealed his agenda.

That's all my advice. Take it or leave it, it's not something you have to do, and this is all  just my opinion.

By the way, did you make that image?