Talk:Abby Azurine/@comment-32355386-20181108184934

Back at it again, procrastinating on doing dishes. Once again, it’s Charlie, aka Morrikrye on DA. Same thing as last time:

These are suggestions based upon my understanding of characters and “good” characters.

I will be providing questions and templates I have found useful.

Please explain to me why I am wrong, it helps both of us.

Hopefully this one will be a bit shorter. I did notice too late on the last one that HTML does not work in the comments, so I will not be adding any of that from here on.

However, something that is far more apparent in this profile is you speaking to the audience as an author rather than an informant. I will provide the examples in each of the sections.

 Basics 

I personally love quotes on why the characters became Hunters. It is something that can really get into the inner parts of a character while keeping things a secret from the audience. A good hook to keep the reader interested in what the character is doing.

Or that could just be me.

Once again, what is her inspiration?

Vitals are otherwise fine, but I will be getting into height in a moment.

 Appearance 

While it is in the Vital statistics, I would describe her hairstyle and face in the appearance.

Something that doesn’t make sense is why Abby is so frail but still a HiT? You note that she has very little body mass to her, and it seems unlikely that she could be in a proper fighting condition if she was that sickly.

I do understand why she looks like that, but I will get to that in the personality section.

But the wings are something else that I wanted to note on. If her wingspan is 6 feet, each wing is only 3 feet, which would not provide enough lift to sustain flight. Or a good glide. A more believable wingspan would be 12 feet or more. Even with her height, however, they would still not drag upon the ground. This is, of course, if you are looking at having the wings be usable.

But it does raise some questions about her clothing. Mainly, how does she put on her shirt and jacket? Wings would require specialized tailoring, and a specialized way to put them on.

On Tumblr user Uzlolzu has explained one way with bat-like wings http://uzlolzu.tumblr.com/post/172872411102/re-this-post-i-dont-know-anything-about-wings-or#notes

Which boils down to Halter tops.

Since the wings are separate on birds, one could have an extra “wing hole” or two in the back that there is then fabric between the wings, but that would take specialized tailoring. Another way would be one wing hole which the wings poke through.

However, once again, the design seems a bit lacklustre. It is a jacket, t-shirt, sweats. Now, for a flier, I would certainly recommend pants, but if she is decidedly a pacifist how about some light colours with a more flowing look?

But if you are committed to the look, why specifically a dark blue shirt with a white wolf on it? Why then yellow sweatpants?

However, the “It’s sad, really.” comment is distracting. The sentence before it does help to enforce the image, but this is an unnecessary comment that makes it sound like you want us to pity your character.

 Personality 

While her personality is decent, it once again raises questions. If she needed to be convinced that Grimm did not feel, why would have she become a Huntress? Why wouldn’t she instead be looking to go a more support-based role, like a doctor or administrator who helped the hunters help people?

What about her makes her seem so childish about her anger? Is she childish in any other aspect?

Once again, I would suggest using either of the methods that I described in the Jade profile, just to get it consistent.

Also, something that could use some explaining either here or in the Relationship tab would be why she’s girlfriends with Skylar.

However, there is still an issue I have with her “Personality”. While people with Asperger’s, Depression, Insomnia, and ADHD would likely be fine as Hunters, if a bit challenged in the schooling for it, there is a much better argument for someone with Anorexia to not be a Hunter.

Even with aura, she would be considerably weaker than everybody else and it seems a stretch that someone with the disorder and is a pacifist would be accepted into Beacon. A school noted for its combat prowess. As well, it seems far more likely that the people around her would instead have her be focusing on getting her strength up rather than training.

I use the strength note specifically because you mention in the Appearance section that she is sickly skinny.

As well, the Insomnia does present a similar issue if it is not being managed.

Now, I do not believe that you should have to note that you have most of her ailments except the Anorexia. It does make the character seem more about you than it does Abby. I do understand that some people will ask if you have that experience, but they are not the majority and are generally not looking for a good character.

You should not have to explain everything wrong with yourself to write a character.

 Skills 

Once again, combat will be beneath Semblance and weapons.

Social

This is a complicated issue for me, because the description says one thing and the stats say another. I do understand that troubles with social ques and social rules are common among people with Asperger’s you do nothing to show how she can over some that to be 10/10 charming and friendly. Why do people find her to be like this?

Flight

Now, I had no issues with the swimming from Jade, but I do want to talk about Abby’s flight. Is her difficulty in flying because of the way her Anorexia has impacted her? Or is it something she would have issues with if she were in full health?

 Combat 

Semblance

I do not mind Abby’s semblance. It works well with her being a flier and does accent her being a pacifist. It is a quick getaway but has some offensive capabilities.

However, you should get rid of the Blake comment. If people are accusing you of things that are not possible, point it out to them in the comments. Right now, it just distracts from Abby. And also, Weiss does it too. And finally, it’s just a cool concept that everyone should consider how their OC’s dust can/would interact with dusts.

Also, and this is off topic, but please consider Abby using Gravity dust. Not sure if she would go weightless or create a Gravity well, but it would be cool.

Weapon

Okay, I am going to put these questions from NoobWarfare606 again:

“Considering how much weapons have effected real people who weren't really allowed or able to choose their own weapons, why is it that your character chose theirs?

How did your character's weapons and fight-style effect your character?

How did your weapon's change with your character?

In what way is your character's weapons related to or reference your character's influences or the story your character takes part of?”

Because I cannot figure out why Abby would choose clawed gauntlets if she is a pacifist. Since she seems to be based upon evasion and non-combat, something like a net gun with dust capabilities and the occasional rounds for against Grimm seems a bit more suiting. One that could also blast out high pressure air shots that burst people away without hurting them but also allowed her to get higher jumps to enable better flight.

(Sorry, I had an idea and I rolled with it a bit too much, don’t feel that you must use it.)

But if her speed and precision is her greatest assets, why does she have a brawler’s weapon? Even with the dust shots, it seems like a waste that the character has one form she refuses to use against a part of who she is going up against.

Physical Stats

These make no sense. If she is so skinny that one can see her ribs and looks sick all the time, how is she a 6/10 on both health and strength? Why are all her stats so high?

Combat Skill

This makes no sense, but it boils down to the wording for me. How does one use clawed gauntlets for defence? How is she able to hold off Jade?

Once again, you do not need to add the “which, believe me, is nearly impossible”. Though there is some confusion to how you use the terms. Tanks are generally low damage output but high sustain characters.

Does she out DPS her, or out manoeuvre her?

Synergy

I personally find some issues with the synergy of her semblance, weapon, skills, and personality. If she is a pacifist, why would she design herself a weapon with no clear defensive or crowd clear potential?

 Backstory 

First, I would suggest that you write out a bit more about her childhood. This is over half of your character’s life, and you sum it up in half a sentence. We don’t need exact details, but did she play with her family? Were they working parents? What was those formative years of her life like?

There does seem to be a slight misunderstanding as to what the education for a hunter is. They would go from a Preparatory Academy before going to one of the 4 academies. That would likely start around 12 years old to maybe 14, but Ruby already being considered a student at Signal would indicate that she had already spent at least a year there. I cannot imagine them starting younger than 11-12 though.

Finally, I cannot understand why she is a pacifist or a huntress, let alone both.

Author wise, you comment specifically on another character’s backstory in the middle of Abbys. It is not only highly out of place, but it is irrelevant to Abby herself. Instead, you are just highlighting the cringe aspect of it.

 Overall 

There are some interesting ideas about Abby, but the execution needs more explaining. You put it in her quote why she claims she became a Huntress, but then nothing in her profile indicates why she would do so.