Talk:Team Havoc/@comment-1317707-20140224121736

The thing that stands out the most is that you are doing too much, way too much telling not enough showing. For example how bout you show us the fight 'tween you and Hana, so that not only do we see your fighting style but we see the paragon of shock dust. And you don't have to tell us that your relationship is strong with your family; you all ready told us by saying you want to get back to them...

And I know you are trying to connect RWBY with HVOC, but I don't think the letter really fits with the canon, but maybe RWBY could be in the crowd watching the duels...

Also, you need to use varying kinds of words to allow your writing to flow. What I am talking 'bout is this: "The Vytal Festival was over. I had enjoyed it immensely, but I was a relieved that the excitement was over." Use "over" twice so close to together makes it sit in your month. Again in this sentence: "Now I could enjoy the rest of my time off from school spending time with my family." Time is precious so use it preciously... (See what I did there?)