Talk:Amet Serpentyne/@comment-30530552-20171102181023

Alright, here's what I have for you.

- CNR Reference noted, and found through this site. Next time though, please try to link where you find your CNR references, as this saves tiem on the part of us reviewers.

- Appearance, you have multiple noted Faunus traits: a tail, tongue, scaly skin, oen coudl even argue the teeth. Please stick to one - Faunus can have only one Faunus trait. Aside from that, it's alright. I  discuss it a little bit more in the combat section why this is a problem.

- Personality is okay, albeit a little bit dark at points and could've been elaborated on slightly more in context of certain situations.

- Combat section as a whole:

1. The Faunus presumed physiology as a whole is a problem, as we don't know exactly if a reptilian Faunus is truly cold-blooded or not. Temperature change sensing and toxin resistance might still be acceptable, but for now I recommend you keep it out. Also, it would've been good to know his snake tail was prehensile. Finally, I would like to note that snakes on the whole have very bad vision, hence why their sense of smell is so good. If you meant this as a version of night vision, then it is acceptable as a general Faunus ability, but needs to be explicitly stated.

2. Weapon-wise, while it works, I would like to know exactly how certain types of Dust are used in conjunction with the weapon. I also think the use of the rotating mechanism to use the blade on the other side is a bit unnecessary, given one could achieve the same effect just by flipping it 180 degrees. Unless I read it wrong, in which case that's unclear wording. Finally, you also seem to suggest Ruby Rose levels of skill with the scythe, which in itself is a bit unacceptable.

3. Overall, while there are notable problems, the stuff you have included right now does make sense logically, and I could see this working, but you need to address some of these issues.

- Semblance section...making incorporeal substances (in this case, shadows) become corporeal and interactable with the environment is against the rules. One also cannot argue for hardlight as a counterargument, since this effect has to be achieved through Dust. The time limits are also a bit problematic here...perhaps redefining how he summons these constructs and how long he can sustain certain things would be in your best interest.

- Backstory is fine in the beginning paragraphs, but begins to decline in the later sections. I'll define some of the problem areas:

1. So...you're saying that he was (by himself) able to take out a herd of Boarbatusks, a Creep (which is the most inconsequential and not problematic), swarm of Rapier Wasps, and a King Taijitu, all in one night? I find that a little hard to believe, I'd believe it more if this was with his whole team. This also incorporates the cold-blooded aspect, which is another issue entirely.

2. Participation in the 40th Vytal Festival Tournament's Team Rounds, and probably even the Doubles Round is acceptable. Singles is not, as we've clearly seen who was there.

3. I'm assuming his partaking in 2nd Year as a 17 year old is because he hasn't yet hit his birthday.

4. I will offer you credit that you kept canonical interaction with canon characters out, which was refreshing to see.

5. Overall, by reworking some of the earlier issues, the backstory probably wouldn't have some of the fundamental issues I've outlined in parts 1-3 of this section.

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Overall, there's a lot of issues to be worked on, but I can see this working out, and by putting in effort, you can definitely make it work. If you need help with this process, please check Da Rulez or contact myself or another reviewer on our message walls if you need further assistance or advice.

-Rejected.

~RP Moderation Team~