Talk:Antares Trinity/@comment-8182065-20141127040317

I meant to get to this yesterday, although was stuck with helping at home after I got off. It looks like the main issues have been brought up down below, and Tsu has done an official review already, though I'll still give my two cents.

Pages Layout: You got the Fancharbox in, that's good, although the Quote template's placement screws over the page's layout a bit so I suggest moving it so the quote is at the top of the page. Your "Posted by Trinity" thing at the top as well could also be replaced with the Disclaimer template you have already.

Other than that, the use of more headers would be nice. You made a good start by posting the Personality header, although right under it lists his History. It's pretty disorganized and misleading (imagine if you were in a bookstore and you found mystery novels in the cookbook section).

One other thing, it's best to be very descriptive when talking about your character's looks and personality, even if your OC has a delightful image to look at (you had a picture for him, not sure exactly where it went). You can choose to have a bare bones description of his appearance (like say he wears a blue T-shirt, black jeans), although it doesn't make any OC sound as appealing once someone reads it. With the personality, being descriptive helps other people as well as yourself get a good idea of how your character acts. You can say that they're nice and leave it at that, however, it makes a better, more well-rounded OC to elaborate further (like saying Jill is a very snarky and likes to make fun of her peers, although she does act curtiously towards her elders). You can take a look at one of my pages to get a general idea of how the overall layout should be like.

Onto your the Backstory: It's alright to have a fan-made location for your character, although having the 4 kingdoms of Remnant nuke the place isn't. It does not sound cannonically possible that all 4 kingdoms would band together just to blow up one piece of land; it also leads people to believe that the people of the Shadow Lands are far superior than Vytal, Atlas, etc. (also could lead to people thinking that they're their own separate nation).

Talking about the people, I've noted before that sub-humans aren't allowed, only Humans and Faunus characters. You've described Strider's people as humans who live longer than most which still implies that they're not fully human. From my knowledge, life-spans vary from person to person, not necessarily the country their from.

Other than that, I think its fine that they're a "group" of people that value Dust greatly; however, being able to use it in more ways the other kingdoms can think of is a Gary Stu/Mary Sue deal. Even though it's not entirely explained upon as to what they can do that other's can't, it pretty much implies that Strider and his people are far superior to Cinder or Weiss and could do what they can do 10 times as better.

Now back to the bombing, the side-effects are very extreme and also out of canon. As far as we know, Dust has very little to no negative effects when being used. It works like Materia from FF7, and produces only elemental properties from what we've seen. We have yet to hear of it's other many uses, and to this extent does not seem possible at the time. Also, I don't believe further experimentation is necessarily what happens after an apology, but if they were finding a way to help cure his people, that would be somewhat understandable; there'd still be a lot of tension between the guilty party and the victims.

His days at Beacon, from what's written he wasn't placed at the school willingly, although still partook in classes and such for quite a long time. I can understand if his actions were being watched, but otherwise running away was also an option. Then he had realized he was a "government slave" and decided not to kill Grimm anymore. Aren't Grimm supposed to be evil? Are they not creatues bent on mass destruction and the end of human kind? Why would Strider refuse to take out these corrupted beings when they're mankind's greatest threat? It's not really a logical routemto think of.

Things start to make even less sense once he kills all the scientists who experimented on him. I feel as though a rebellion such as that would've been best done right after the bombing incident. I also find it hard to believe that he single-handedly killed off a bunch of scientists and that the event would have to be covered up by all 4 kingdoms.

Strider's Semblance: It's poorly explained which makes the ability is pretty OP. Being able to manifest swords out of nowhere does not seem possible at all currently (not counting Cinder's abilities at the dance as we don't have any sort of confirmed explaination on whether she crafted them from Dust, or were hidden on her person like Ren's weapons). On top of that, having them be able to fire lasers doesn't tie with the Semblance's theme. The only point I can see being kept would be creating them out of Fire, which is only logical because he has Fire Dust inside his body (although, the Dust being inside of him has to be changed to it being clothing or just on his person as we're not entirely sure of the side effect that come with injecting it directly). We know that Dust can influence a person's Semblance and give it elemental properties, but naturally creating fire is out of canon.

His other abilities, having high pain tolerance is acceptable, although he should still have some sort of breaking point. He has created and mastered his own style; that's fine and dandy, although mastering anything takes a lot of time (side note, you can create a separate page for his fighting style to elaborate further on what the style consists of). His Infinite Sword style is also pretty OP, mainly because of his Semblance. Creating "hundreds" of swords would have a great deal on Strider's Aura, depleting it for every blade he conjured. I'd say he wouldn't even get to 50 swords without using up every last bit of it, not to mention it would leave him completely fatigued and as well as defenseless from life threatening attacks.