Thread:Aldrasos/@comment-5999656-20170426201626/@comment-5999656-20170426232352

OK, here goes. There's a couple of things I'm going to touch on, and they might mix together so please bear with me. Also, all that follows is just my perception, so what I think might not be the same interpretation that other readers will take.

Firstly, Iva herself. It's established pretty early on that her attempts to crack the Windpath underworld will end in abject failure (also because, by my observations, that seems to be a common theme in your writing). The first few paragraphs set this moody tone and doesn't really let up throughout the rest of the chapter. This style can work very well, but it needs more setup and contrast with Iva as the protagonist, otherwise it can cause Darkness Induced Audience Apathy. Make it seem like she actually has a chance of making a difference before the illusion comes crashing down.

At first, I'm seeing Iva as being the newcomer police officer (a la Judy Hopps) who's grown jaded, but her interactions with her colleagues quickly establish herself as an asshole rather than an idealistic pursuer of justice. Assuming her fall from innocence is something you've got planned, in order to strengthen the emphasis at that time I'd recommend backing up a little and making her more sympathetic so the reader can identify with her. She has the cynical attitude of a old-timer but the inexperience of a newbie, which makes her come off as simply incompetent. Try talking about why she was so idealistic. Throw in some extra sentences where she questions the arrival of the letter and who DG is before inevitably deciding to go, not just to make her seem a little smarter but also to give readers some time to process what's happening.

In general, I think throwing in more sentences to describe scenes and thought processes better should help the coherence of your fic a lot and simulate the passing of time, especially since things occur really fast near the end of the chapter and made me overload a bit trying to process all the new information. Buff up Aquila's reputation a little more so it's more surprising when he's unceremoniously killed off. And make it more clear that Roderick is an effective detective, since he seems kind of like a bland desk worker at this time. Make him appear as the very image of outstanding investigator, so that when his dark true self is revealed there's more weight to it. Both these just require a few sentences of descriptions.

I like the reference to Smiler. And the reference to Prometheus. On an unrelated note, once I looked up what Occam's Razor was, I thought it was a very cool weapon name.

The writing itself is effective at communicating the story. I think it wouldn't hurt to use some more adjectives and vocabulary for artistic flourish, but that's just my personal aesthetic preference.

The plot is original and I like the subject matter, and I know there's much more story to come. Overall, I think it just needs some more fluff here and there to pad out the images better. Looking forward to seeing how things unravel. Hope my comments help.