Talk:Verdantos Grenice/Abilities/@comment-14295500-20130817175342

G'day DBG! Let's have a look at Verdantos. Firstly, awesome name, love it.

First step is reread and spellcheck. There's a number of typos that are distracting, a quick copy paste in a spell check will fix this up.

Layout, not so much. See I, like most of the internet, am lazy. The least clicks the better and by stretching a bio into four pages feels like overcompensation, ballooning a lot of stuff for the sake of filling up space.. Compressing that information into the overview is a good idea, and if you feel like it go into more detail. Appearance, Personality, Weaponry is the main stuff that should be immediately accessable.

One of my pet pieces in bios is lists. It's oversimplification with no personality when it's personality and characterisation a bio is meant to convey to help others interact. Why does he like pirates, pizza and ramen? Why doesn't he like poor people... these important  I also see information that has no bearing on the RPG, it's just there to fill up space. That space is just a place for readers to get bored and wander off. Blood type, birthplace....That's page filler.

I like his appearance, it's definitely different but you might want to call his pirate hat a tricorn. It's a cute little quirk that will make him stand out.

I am disappointed considering a bio spread out over four pages just how short his personality description is. Here's how I like to develop an OC. First pick one defining trait- aka Verdantos is Stuffy.


 * How does this affect him in a personal way, positive ways and negative ways.


 * How does being stuffy affect his social life, positively and negatively. (+He's dependable and loyal. -His stiff necked outlook many find boring and irritating)

**How does being stuffy affect him in battle. Positively and negatively. (+Forethought and strategy. - Becomes flustered when things don't go to plan, finds improvising on the fly difficult.)

**Quirks (Pirates and Poor People.

There you go, four solid paragraphs so that fellow rpers can anticipate just about any situation.

Onto his history. I was both encouraged and dismayed by Verdantos's background. I hate abuse stories because they're a shortcut to a twagic backstory, overused and trivialises a complex real life issue. If you took out the 'abusive men who beat Verda' I'd feel a lot more good will towards the character. Just having a militant mother would be enough without banging broken home the idea home with a mallet.

Weapons and Abilities. The duel guns with enhanced bullets is kind of common around here but it's common in RWBY as well so no worries. Try to expand this. Why does he like Uzi's, why does he prefer the distance? How did he make them at signal? Daggers, polearms, swords, hand to hand combat and a throwing hat.... Drop the polearms and swords, because if he's not actively using it or an integral part of his personality, it's just keeping this card in the hole if ever he's disarmed or something, being greedy with talents. The hat thing is pretty cool though although pirate hates aren't known for their aerodynamics.

Limiting the type of ammo he uses is great though, setting yourself limits is a great way to avoid Gary-Stu's bag of holding when it comes to powers and encourages you to be more creative in how you use each of the powers each to without getting boring- such as propelled fist.

And while the muay thai inspired bent bent lotus is a great way to focus his martial arts and give a great mental image creating a whole new page in this fanon just for your fighting techniques is kind of wanky. Why isn't it on his Abilities page if it is one of his abilities? Less clicks the better. Although not a big deal, I will say that Bent Lotus seems unlike his personality because muay thai is one of the more brutal martial arts and doesn't sit beside his studious nature too easily.

I can't believe I'm saying this because I know how petty it is but it was how my brain worked while reading his bio- disconnected. The tabs are a good idea but get the important stuff on the first page to make everything cohesive. Then have a second tab further explaining his relationships or having a separate tab for his RPs would be a brilliant way for readers to keep up with his progress.

I also want to see that personality shine through every aspect of his bio, from how he carries himself, how he presents his appearance, why he chooses weapons. More elaboration, less lists and his second incarnation will be more detailed. Cheers!