Board Thread:Role Play Discussion/@comment-25924729-20151108025945/@comment-13593058-20160406022418

I also have a few issues.

"Memories was confused by Cyzarones's appearance. Why would she ask her, out all the people she interrogated..."

In this part, while she does classify as an experienced fighter, memtioning it seems to indicate a sort of cockiness she would never have. I would have gone with her commentingon the high and mighty atmosphere Cyzarine brings to the table of which Memories seems rather disinterested in.

Something along the lines of, "Asking nicely would fetch better results."

The direction is good in terms of Memories but I think her reactions and thoughts seemed too expressive.

When she asks her questions, "Why are you here? What exactly do you kids have to gain by coming here? And just who are you exactly?", that's too many. She's direct as can be so the identity of the kids would be besides the point. I think answering her the first time would be the most reasonable action for her. Bouncing back Cyzarine's question ("What is YOUR objective?") would be appropriate too.

"Well, so am I. I'm under contract to make sure my clients stay in one piece, unless they break their end of the deal, and that's all there is to it," Memories responded calmly, as she glanced back at Barnes' office..."

"I work with clients in order to get paid and pay the bills, but what about you? Why come here and wreck the entire place? What is it for, exactly? Why don't you go home and do something more constructive, instead of being so stupid as to barge in to other people's businesses?"

Sounds like a villain's spiel. "I am under contract to make sure Barnes stays alive... I have bills to pay." should suffice.

'''Memories stood befuddled behind her mask. ''What on earth is she talking about? An underground ring? That sounds like something out of an slasher film that belongs in some dirt poor village, not a place like Atlas! I mean, I know Barnes is your typical snivelling, cowardly mobster, but I don't believe he would do something that ridiculous!'

This doesn't sound like her. For one, her relatively new introduction to the secular  socirty means slasher flicks weren't really a thing for her, (I'd assume the Cult didn't allow for such things, maybe deemed them a but vulgar). She's talking and thinking much like a conflicted teenager at this point. I would remove the thought but keep her befuddled expression.

'"Maybe you should reconsider that," Memories replied. "Because I don't believe a single word you say."'

... Eh? She probably wouldn't mention if she believed Cyzarine or not. Probably would keep quiet about how she feels and just let her go. Again, she sounds like a conflicted teenager.

If it doesn't bother you, could you fix those? Thanks.