Talk:Jay Azul/@comment-30530552-20180327235137

Okay, I'm gonna try and give you a legitimate review on things that need some work here. I'm glad you made the effort, now let's see how we can improve.

Your CNR reference checks out. Nice and simple.

Appearance-wise, we're not exactly aware of the extent a "Faunus" trait extends, with our largest, clear-cut example being Ilia's chameleon skin. So, for him to have a spider-body replacing his normal legs (which is problematic to begin with) and his face...as it stands currently, that's not considered feasible (by way of the Reginald Clause, which in short states that we can't necessarily make assumptions like that). Even without the issue of the face + body, (since every character only has one Faunus trait, that counts as two, and one could argue three with the venom generation you mention later) the body by itself we just don't have enough evidence for to consider feasible yet.

Under the assumption that everything, it's hard to work out how exactly everything else works if it's a core underlying problem which everything else was based off of, but I'll continue anyways. For now, I'll leave it as the first major "rejection" issue, but to fix this, you could still do some sort of variation on what you have; Perhaps extensive spider hair on normal human legs, as a suggestion?

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As an overarching comment for the majority of the reading sections, the legibility here is somewhat detrimental to anyone who's happening to read this. Even separating things into paragraphs (or in the case of the weapons/abilities section, subsections) could help with the ease of reading tremendously. Similarly, some of the commentary is a bit unnecessary, as the profile is generally easier to write with a less personal, more 3rd-person tone.

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Personality-wise...you could benefit from removing some of the earlier content (such as his dislike of  dealing with blunt weapons versus sharp ones) and restructuring it so the more "in fine detail" points are towards the bottom, with the more general points at the top. Outside of the things outlined above (and those resulting from his Faunus trait), the structure for a good personality's there, it just needs to be cleaned up some.

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For the weapon, I'm not really following how a cross between Ice and Lightning would make Poison Dust, but I will give you credit for actually mentioning what makes it up. As for being permanently attached to his body...hmm, I'm gonna have to say no to that. That's a pretty easy fix. Outside of the above issues, the weapon has a good baseline. Another question: how many whips does each gauntlet have?

Fighting Style wise, it makes sense for his weapon and what's currently there, but will undoubtedly change as other things do, so it's not necesarily applicable commentary until other things get fixed. Just fixing his appearance alone would clear up a great deal of the problematic things here.

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I'm not going to rag on about the Semblance until some of the other issues get cleared up, since it's one of the less problematic sections. Invisibility itself is fine, though you're going to have to mention some of the limitations: How long does it last? How much Aural drain does it do? Etc.

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Backstory-wise....hmm.

Parents killed in Dust mine while he was a baby. That's fine...one question though, where did they live, and where was he born? The orphanage stuff makes sense with what's currently there (and can easily be fixed just by clearing up earlier sections).

Human and Faunus experimentation? Eh...that's a risky subject we have too little info about, even if we could assume it exists. It also leads up to some lack of believability in what's there, as well as some of the larger issues like his weapons (which kill him if removed? He's got an Aura). So for now, I'll have to say no to that.

His foster parents from Menagerie dying too? I mean, it's possible and it's not rejectable by itself, it's just a little bit unrealistic in my opinion. And if he's now alone again, how could he leave Menagerie without any mention of money or support? Where would he go? What's he doing now? Overall this section's a bit incomplete.

-Rejected.

~RP Moderation Team.~

Don't feel too discouraged that you got rejected, there's no set limit to the number of times it can be put in pending, and what's here now isn't unsalvageable. Just by making the changes outlined above this page will improve tremendously, and I see the potential for this to be acceptable in the future, you just have to put in some extra work now to make it happen.

If you have any questions or feel you need some extra help beyond this, please contact me or one of the other reviewers on our message walls (the Reviewers tab can be found under the "Community" tab), or contact us on the Wiki's Discord.

As a final note, welcome to the Wiki. Hope all future things go well for you here.