Talk:Tenebris Mordre/@comment-31408668-20190814034152

COLOR NAME REFERENCE

Color name reference is recognized. Tenebris means "Darkness" or "The dark" when translating it directly from Latin.

''Reviewer's Note: It is not only considered bad form to not explain where the name comes from, it could on some occasions get your characters rejected. Fix that.''

APPEARANCE

Nothing to detract from here. The character description is short and lacks any form of significant detail. It has the bare minimum that is needed to have a character, but he leaves no significant impression, with the slight exception when it comes to the dragon chain. No problems here.

''Reviewer's Note: It can really help to have a fleshed out appearance section. I'm not talking pages upon pages of it, but having some of it helps other RPers and people on the site to see a clear picture of the character. Small physical details could be used to highlight things from his past, they could indicate things about how he carries himself. That list goes on. And what you have now is the barest minimum I would ever accept. And if that is any indication of how this character will be in RP, then I think that speaks volumes about you.''

PERSONALITY

Right, the nice guy, who is protective and keeps to himself, but has a soft side for his friends. It's a trope at this point, but it's one that can work in a lot of cases if used correctly. What doesn't work in this case has to do with his PTSD. I'm going to spell out in the most straight forward terms why it doesn't work:

1. How many Grimm Wyverns or Dragons does he see on the regular? Because we have seen 1 in all of six volumes, and that one seemed to need some substantial fear to even appear. This renders half of his personality moot, because it is so dependent on a Grimm that is seemingly so ridiculously rare, I highly doubt he would ever see more than 2 in his life. If not, that is some extreme bloody plot contrivance.

2. You have not earned the trust, nor the credibility, to just say a character has PTSD. It doesn't even seem to affect him significantly at any point in his backstory. There is one mention of him trying to take on 32 Beowolves by drawing them with his hatred and grief, but those emotions aren't even from the PTSD, but the death of a mentor! The PTSD has no significant effect on his life, it is apparently not even important enough to be mentioned in Backstory. No.

Major problems here.

BACKSTORY

Oh boy. This backstory, while seemingly straight forward, it makes me somewhat annoyed. First of all, and this applies to the entire page. Fix. The. Grammar. Second of all, while I understand that the phrase the Huntress used, and the names of his weapons are meant take back his control from his "PTSD", would he even have the mental fortitude to always be reminded of the event, every second of a fight, every second anyone mentions his weapons? If so... shouldn't that be noted in the Personality?

On another note, if it is the case that he has PTSD related to a dragon, wouldn't it be incredibly insulting to be compared to one, even if it is well intentioned? Would it maybe not cause a severe reaction the first time? I don't even know.

Finally... the Battle of Beacon had no effect on him? The Battle that was dominated by... I don't know... a Wyvern Grimm? The fact that there is nothing on this entire page that even mentions anything related to this infuriates me to no end, and essentially devalues the entirety of the character. I cannot emphasize at what level this doesn't work, but know that it doesn't work in any conceiveable way. Absence from Vytal Festival is noted. No stepping on canon toes. Major problems here.

WEAPONS AND COMBAT

Weapons are within guideline specifications. We have a single, transforming primaty in the form of Spiritus Draconis, and a single, non-transforming secondary in the form of Dragon's Claw. The two weapons, unlike most things here, are actually well described. I actually quite like Spiritus Draconis, with the rather exotic combo of a twin scythe and a longbow. It is also extremely versatile with it using Dust arrows. The only thing missing is some specification about what kind of Dust arrows he uses. Interesting. Dragon's Claw is a bit more straight forward, but that is a good thing with it being a secondary. No problems here.

When it comes to combative ability, they aren't very clearly defined. I would maybe recommend trying to explain how a character fights, like for example if they prefer using speed or if they use counterattacking tactics. However, I will simply assume he is average for his age. No problems here.

SEMBLANCE

Speed Manipulation as a Semblance seemed to work at first viewing. Then I got to the bloody heat part. The first part of the Semblance, about speeding up objects by manipulating them with Aura, that works. That is a working Semblance with defined limitations, range of speeds, and even a descriptor that deals with how Tenebris uses it. Make just this the Semblance. Because the moment you step into the whole heating thing, you step into a territory what you have no idea what you're exactly talking about, at least based on the rest of this page.

The entire heating part of this Semblance is predicated on him hitting something or someone with a projectile or weapon that has been affected by the speed manipulation. However, it lacks so many things to even come close to working. For one, you have a very rudimentary explanation about how this heating actually affects things. It either slows down or speeds up the vibrations of the atoms the object is made of. That's fine and all, but it doesn't mention an exact range of much it can slow down or speed up, which is imperative for this to even come close to be accepted. To give you an example, what do you think happens when an arrow hits something surrounded by air, and Tenebris decides that it will speed up the atomic vibrations. Considering there are no actual limitations mentioned about this part of the Semblance, then I guess he can just turn the air in a 1 foot radius of the arrow into ionized plasma? You know, the thing that happens when you superheat gas? Yeah no.

Secondly, you mention that it has a range? So it doesn't affect what is hit by the weapon or arrow, it has an AoE effect? Yeah... no. The entire second part of this Semblance is uncessary, it doesn't work, and it is way too broad. No.

CONCLUSION: REJECTED (Personality is inconsistent, Backstory is inconsistent, Semblance lacks necessary limiters)

'''Dire Wolf, I'm going to be very real with you now. Every single reviewer has now been over this. Phaze has. Piscean has. Delta has. And now I have. And every single time, I feel like you haven't taken the time to actually take in all of the criticism. Small things are changed, or just removed, and then you resubmit it. To put it in the plainest terms I can: You need to sit down, read everything, redo, expand and remove what is necessary, reread the review again, make sure everything is done, and then wait for 24 hours before resubmitting to Pending.

Because, this character is still lacking in almost all departments. He has a somewhat broken backstory, he has a personality that is a stereotypical, but it's marred by your lack of care for someone who is supposed to have a mental health condition that should be expanded on. He has a Semblance that could work of you wouldn't overcomplicate it. And because of that, and all the above, Tenebris will stay rejected. I'll be here to re-review him after 24 hours, and I will be looking if you have actually cared to read this. And if you haven't... well... I think we both know how this works at this point. - Raikou'''