Talk:Sapphire Hoyle/@comment-14295500-20130814054946

G'day Darthxhurricane, let's have a look at Sapphire.

The first thing I recommend is ditch the game art. There's no inspiration or creativity in taking someone elses art and putting your characters name on it. http://gen8.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Maker-1-1-346025144 or http://www.tektek.org/ are free sources with huge variety. Your character can be yours.

Looking her personality, try leading with her real personality traits rather than her fighting choices. Try breaking it into two paragraphs. The first part focus on her personality, who she is as a person and how she reacts to stress, danger, people and so forth. Personality is the core of any profile because its how others interact with her and feel for her.

'She's a hard worker for school. Whenever she gets bad grades (which doesn't happen) she'll be really sad.'

Firstly that's a really broken sentence, my brain creaks as I read it, secondly you've taken away all the strength of that statement by saying, 'Which doesn't happen.' Why write it down if it never happens? Another thing is why would you do that? That's a fantastic character flaw that makes her human and empathisable. You say she gets sad, like how sad? Does she sulk in a corner and not talk to anyone? Does she bawl and sniffle and whine until someone consols her? Does her lip wobble, and she tremble and shake and give up? That is a flaw so many of us can relate to, I know I'm a damn sook whenever I do something wrong, and we like her more for it. Emphasise that in future rewrites if you can. Also in that category is her love of all things cute... That's adorble. I can absolutely see her throwing her hands in the air and squealing over a duckling or kitten.

Then follow that up with her dependance on Photon Blaster. I like that she feels vulnerable without it. Like, how weak and how vulnerable. Does she become shy and withdrawn? Is this another character weakness? You've actually described that part well, if a little clumsily. Once you've finished writing something, try reading it aloud to feel the flow and articulation of the sentence. The easier it is, the less the reader's brain creaks and the more likely they'll like Sapphire.

Many people have complimented you on Sapphire's back story and weapon detail. I'll follow in with them. I love that she has a supportive mother, earnest in teaching her child something she's passionate about, and the meaning of passing on her weapon. Incredible detail I'm very jealous of as my understanding of guns is incredibly basic. It's going to make your writing sound very authoritive and look forward to seeing that personal knowledge explored in her RPs. Good luck in the challenge!