Talk:Ao Hino/@comment-31408668-20170910014257

Now, this is not an official review, I kind of wanted to try myself at it for fun.

APPEARANCE

Now, I see nothing wrong with the appearance, but I would suggest possibly cleaning up the grammar, as it is a bit dense and hard to get through. That is not rejectable, but it may make it difficult to discern. It is highly detailed, if not too detailed, but I was able to imagine her in my head and place her in situations.

PERSONALITY

I see nothing wrong with the personality, no contradictions. However, again, try to have it looked at by someone else, so it can be punctuated properly and such.

WEAPONS AND ABILITIES

Now, here we go. Let's start with her weapon, Flaring Butterfly. It seems like a balanced weapon, however, you need to state the length and such of the wapon, as it may help getting a good understanding of it. A DMR style rifle works, ammuntion type checks out, however a DMR doesn't have automatic firing, as it is incredibly hard to control, as well as it would shoot out it's ammuniton in less than 3 seconds. You might want to remove the automatic fire. The sword form, however, is a bit problematic. It is eerily similar to Adam Taurus' weapon, with the sheath using a trigger and the "Draw Strike" as you call it. This is possible grounds for rejection, due to similarity to a canon character. Also, there is a mention of it using blanks to not damage the blade, but if it uses blank salt infused ammunition, it infuses the blade. I don't know if you meant Dust, so this needs to be clarified.

Semblance seems passable, it has defined limits through the physical properties of the object controlled, as well as the limiter to only control one object at the time. Also, the not being able to control objects protected by Aura is a nice touch.

Now, for the abilities section, there is an immediate problem. You mention that Ao mastered many skills in her time at Beacon. To master a skill takes many years, and while you don't mention exactly how long she went to Beacon after going to Atlas, you can't master two entirely different combat skills over a period of three years. It takes years to master shooting, I am speaking from experience as a tournament shooter of 2 years, and I wasn't even close. And I didn't practice sword fighting on the side. You also say many, which makes it even less believeable. Then it's the matter of her hearing. I understand that her hearing is sharp, but to have that good hearing that she can fight without her eyes involves her being able to hear strikes from a standstill, which is not only inhuman, but impossible. While I understand that Aura warns the user of incoming threats, it doesn't warn you about an existing threat you know about, which means the rest of a fight would be down to her hearing, something which is impossible. That, and there is no way that she could learn this, as well as "master" the art of sword fighting and

Also, what is this fear of black liquids? I can't find it in the bacstory. This needs to be elaborated on. Also, again, grammar. While I can understand if your first language isn't English, you may want to have someone look over it.

BACKSTORY

Now, this one is a handful. While I understand the backstory and there are no concerns with it, there is one major non-related problem. The grammar is almost not understandable, even for me as someone who writes books. Now, again, I understand if English is not your first language, I don't know you, this portion is especially bad. The point I am referencing is when they go to Mistral, and the whole story almost loses all meaning, as you mention genocide and such, which I didn't quite catch.

CONCLUSION: REJECTED

Again, understand that this is just my opinion as someone who has written eight characters now. For me, it is a bit too messy and is lacking some detail regarding her weapon. That, with the possible canon similarity and somewhat ineligable backstory, makes me think that it needs some more work. Not a lot of work, but it needs some cleanup when it comes to the general grammar, and the removal of certain things like her being able to fight without her eyes and her mastering things in what might equate to 3 years. Still, just the opinion of a random person.

Reviewers, you may agree or disagree, I would genuinely like to know if you think I was hair here.

- Raikou, random guy on the Wiki