Talk:Kurai Jack Jade/@comment-14295500-20130814064912

G'day Kurai, as requested a review of your RPC.

The first thing I would recommend is never take someone's art as your own. There's no creativity or inspiration in it especially since Flash Games like http://gen8.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Maker-1-1-346025144 or http://www.tektek.org/ give you a vast wealth of free source options.

The next thing is never list anything when you can describe it in a paragraph. http://rwbyfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Sorrel_Verda gives an excellent example of how to describe appearance... Why? Because the most important part of any bio is their personality and appearance is an outward reflection of personality. Why does he wear his hair that way, what expression is commonly on his face, why does he chose those clothes? The 'why' gives him context and makes him unique. Lots of characters wear black clothing but mostly for different reasons.

My big question is, why is he a cyborg? We haven't seen any cyborgs in RWBY so why is he in this universe? Why is it an important aspect of who he is and why does it need to be a part of this RPG? If in the future a cyborg character turns up, by all means go for it hammer and tongs but right now he stands out like a sore thumb. "I'm special." In that same vein, colour changing eyes are big Mary-Sue trait.

Another thing you should never list is abilities and skills. The ease of writing two words down, 'skilled swordsman' is so easy compared to the intense training it requires. You pay homage to that at least a little by really thing about it, going into detail, his strengths and weaknesses. Then once you do that you'll see just how long his list of 'awsumness' is. 'Peak human strength, speed, reflexes, stamina, senses, durability and agility.' and then he's got 'Genius-level  intellect' (I'm so bored of geniuses, every OC is a genius with a high IQ) with 'injury resistance, quick healing, psychic, dust user and a skilled swordsman.' At this point I'd ask what doesn't he have? I don't want to play with someone who's has a laundry list of how much better they are them my character. Tone him down, specialise. The more you list, they less they work together, like a woman trying on all the clothes at the same time because she can't decide making her gaudy, cluttered and decadent.

'strength, speed, reflexes, stamina, senses, durability and agility' Pick two, and make them work for him. Mastery of many martial arts. 'Genius-level intellect. Injury resistance. Quick-healing. Dust Skilled swordsman. Cloaking. Temporary copies. Mental Assault Deflection.' Pick two and focus.

Add to that 'he has no true personality'. That's wishywashy talk. A get out of free card to not nail him down. How are others meant to play with him if they don't have a clear guide? Give us something. Give us a guiding flaw so that he feels human and not like a white knight with abilities and skills tacked on. Don't just list his dislike to loose or obsessive compulsiveness, expand on them, make them the biggest part of this bio. Heck move the 'Personality' section above the 'Weapons' because that's the priority when it comes to characters and characterisation.

Because of over weighed ability and an insubstantial personality to ground him, I find it hard to like him or get excited by him. He's another dark, mysterious loner RPC. There's lots here.

Instead make him stand out by stamping him with a personality, give us an emotional connection to him. Personality is the foundation, build him up again from there because it affects every other part of his bio. It affects his appearance. His personality determines where he focuses his energy, 'Hmm, today I'll train my swordsmanship because I like to see my enemies eyes.' rather than, 'Hmm, today I'll choose the sniper rifle because I like the detatchment from humanity.' It affects how he interacts with others... which is why you're rping in the first place.

A wise man once said, 'The first version is always shit'. Stubborn writers say, 'good enough', prideful writers say, 'nothing's wrong', wise writers, brave writers, determined writers go back to the drawing board and rise again better than ever. Cheers and inspiration, good luck with Kurai in the future.