Board Thread:News and Events/@comment-27603392-20140704110526/@comment-5041507-20140725034321

Crystal Nelde

Firstly, needs proofreading. Several words are in the wrong order in some places, and many sentances are ambiguous in structure. Also, the backstory section very frequently switches between past and present tense. Not too big a deal though, just something worth mentioning.

She likes to finish the fight as quickly as possible, but also is very merciful? You might want to add something to specify which of these two is the more prominant pattern. They would often conflict with each other in many situations.

Some more detail to the summery on what they overheard and how Peri died would be nice. Also you should really mention that Crystal was in love with Peri somewhere outside the relationships section. I know there's some of that stuff in the story that's linked, but not everyone is going to want to read that.

I don't understand what Faith does. Is it extracting Dust from people? You need to rewrite this to make it more clear.

Trust needs some details. For instance, where does said energy beam come out? Is it a chest beam like Iron Man or does the energy go back through Faith and get released from her hands?

Final verdict: Due to lack of complete understanding around the functions of the weapons, Rejected, for now. This character has definite potential. Really the only issue I could see was clarity. I look forward to seeing Crystal in Fanon after a few minor edits. Have a nice day.