Thread:TorrentAB/@comment-13524376-20130729170657/@comment-5726563-20130730015053

Well, the story seems rather good, but the pacing is a bit fast. If you are planning on writing anything of length, you need to make sure the pacing seems right. For instance, the entire fight was contained within two lines. The argument was also a bit fast, without much description in the middle.

Also, try to be a bit more descriptive or better at describing. If you are unable to get across your vision, then the reader may end up seeing an entirely different scene than what you were picturing. For instance, the first line was a bit hard to tell which was which, and how she actually looked. That's despite the fact that I saw a picture of her.

Then finally, try to keep everything where it makes sense. For instance, it says her strikes were enough to rip the flesh of the wolves' bones. Were you trying to say it ripped the flesh off the wolves' bones? Or through their flesh and bones?

Over all, it's a rather interesting concept, but you need to work on your delivery a bit. Try getting someone you know who knows nothing about the story to read over it. Ask them what they got out of it, or what happened, and you may find a lot of your flaws. Alternatively, try getting someone who knows what you're trying to get, and have them read it. They will probably be able to help you get what you actually want out of it.