Talk:Tenebris Mordre/@comment-30530552-20190521191054

Alright, let's take a look here.

CNR reference acknowledged and verified, good to go there.

Appearance is alright, no real issues there--aside from the eye abilities, but we'll get to that in a minute.

His personality could use some additional detail, as aside from being characterized as "calm" or "enraged by dragons," he has no real facets of personality at all from what's there. My suggestion here would be to think of how he reacts in different scenarios and how he interacts with others around him to give him his own special "pop" as a person, if that makes sense.

--

Alright, here's where things start to get a bti tricky. Next I'll cover his abilities, fighting style, Semblance, and weaponry in one fell swoop. Starting with the eye ability:

The ability is a bit of a major problem. We don't have evidence of this being a thing in canon, and given the relation to Summer Rose in the backstory, I see this likely as an alternate take on the Silver Eyes, which is a no-no here. However; there are ways we may be able to repurpose this--the abilities this allows him to work with on his longsword and crossbow-scythe could potentially be explained by Aura, as it's the same color and Aura capabilities would already (theoretically) allow him to do this. It'd be more generic, sure, but characters like Qrow and Blake have all shown the capabilty to do things like this, and it's just as effective in what you're attempting to achieve. The eye ability itself (could possibly be repurposed to be a Semblance, thus allowing you to amplify Aural capabilities (though not to the extent which you currently seem to have them, given it seems as though it's about the same extent as Silver Eyes), but then you'd have to remove your velocity Semblance. That's your own choice, we can discuss it more if you'd like to.

For weapons and fighting style:

-The crossbow scythe and longsword are both fine based on our system, though would be difficult to adjust to, given how different a scythe and a sword inherently are--you could keep the same effect by combining the weapons like Qrow with Harbinger for easier transport and wielding, or keeping them as they are (which is also fine, but more difficult to justify). I've already discussed how you can repurpose the eye ability to fit canon capabilities, so long as you were to adjust it to what I've specified or something similar, you have no issues here.

-Semblance-wise:

In concept and on basic fundamental level you have a really unique and interesting Semblance you can use here. This section could benefit from extra detail, however; as the Semblance currently has seemingly no limitations or set boundaries on what it can and can't do speed-wise, which makes it problematic at the moment. I worry that slowing down a character with a glyph without the capability to do anything in retaliation while attacking them would be used as an auto-hit mechanism in roleplay, which is a big no-no here, so it definitely needs addressed. Similarly, the speed of sound (unless you meant it as hyperbole, which can be confusing for the reader) is far beyond what we've seen characters able to do or maintain, so you're going to want to tone down that speed significantly, such as terminal velocity (which is a little less than a sixth of the speed of sound), which is far more easily achieveable and believeable.

-

And now we get to the meat and bones: the backstory.

The start itself (his village getting attacked by a giant dragon Grimm, thus causing him long-lasting trauma) is fine, but most else is rather problematic. You've got canon interaction with Summer Rose, so unless you were to set this as an alternate universe (and frankly, with the extent of canon-breaking things, that could be a viable option for you too) that doesn't work by our rules. Based on his age and the lore of the story being that Summer Rose dissappeared around/before the time Tenebris would start training, it's in direct conflict with canon events or draws conclusions (i.e. that Summer's still alive long enough to train him at that time) that we don't have enough information on to draw said conclusions logically without a lot of grasping for straws.

The abandoned town bit is logically doable even without his ability depending on his age (it's not clear when he did this or where, which would be beneficial), though it's obviously got his ability included, which I've already explained in detail. Just in general, the backstory could benefit rom some extra content about the normal Tenebris and a little more exploration of his character or his time at Beacon, as without interpersonal relationships or personality he feels like a black hole with a lot of missing content.

---

As such, for the above reasons,

-Rejected.

I see a lot of potential for him once he gets fixed, and I wish you luck in your edits and resubmission, assuming you do so.

---

Questions, comments, or concerns? Contact me on my message wall (Community tab, Reviewers, PisceanWaterbender), another one of the reviewers if you want a second opinion, or contact me or another reviewer on the Fanon's Discord--our roles are bright green. Have a wonderful rest of your day, and good luck.