User blog comment:Legends Storyteller/Seriously guys, am I invisible?/@comment-5290299-20150102013247

I think the question should be why did you write blogs when everyone was preparing for christmas and busy and expect replies? ?_?

....Eh Ozpin and Glynda seemed out of character in the first chapter...Ozpin isn't the type to laugh out oud, he will snicker and chuckle, but not the type to laugh so loudly.

Also, there should have been dialogue between him and the potential new students.

Chapter 3: There was no button pushing at the examination.

And while it is different...."(thinking)" seems a bit distracting with the quotation marks.

Why are there three nevermores?

He looked around him. He was in a hostile environment "(Very hostile)" and he was all alone.

Do not fuse thought speech and a sentence together. Never. That is very confusing and a lit annoying to look at.

"...................Found you." Said his friend.

Why not say "a voice spoke out" or the name of the friend instead of friend.

Some of your sentences and thoughts are missing periods.

And I feel a bit unconfortable that your character managed to take on three nevermores as a freshman when it took the entire team of RWBY to take on one as freshman. And don't mention Coco she is a sophmore so more experienced and her weapon is OP. Cool but OP.

I know not all were killed or none at all...it was a bit confusing....all Glynda said that he took them on and went easy on them...or was that Ozpin?

You went four chapters without revealing their names....to me that is a no no even with the light novel style of writing as I got confused on who was who and who was tlaking..i maanged to figure some of it out but not all of it.

Alright now for the actual critique besides naming off things i didn't agree with.

It is ok. It is good but I feel like it could be ebtter. The scene makes sense to you I bet but not to me. I am...slightly interested. Like I said there were many things that stuck out to me that I didn't agree with as I read/skimmed through them.

However this is the me who didn't read about the character profiles you have for the characters so my opinions are limited. But when writing you need to find a way to connec tthe audience to the world. We have to use our imaginations (And some pictures when writing a lgiht novel), in order to visualize the world but the downside with light novels is that there is limited amount of words you can have and thus it doesn't do great on world building or exploring the characters appearance, only their development and personalities.

As suchI saw a bunch of black silhouettes with various add ons like the scarf in my head. There really isn't much I can say besides that because whle you written some dialogue....thats all I got from it. I got personalities from the doalogue and actions...but thats it. I felt nothing to connect with.

I still think this can be good but you might want to change the way of writing a buit or add more to it.

DX I really hope this doesn't offend or intimidate you. I of all people know ho hard criticism taking can be but I am rooting for you!! I swear!! Please don't take this as a negative review but as a constructive criticism...if I have done that right......