Thread:KuraiJack/@comment-37031238-20181102172417/@comment-13488655-20181103205626

K well, first thing is, her mother killed the man she fell in love with, planned on killing her child and also wanted to turn her daughter into little more than a serial killer. I, honestly doubt being poor and having racism would really make a person snap to the point that they'd kill the people they loved.

Next, her split personality..... It, kinda seems like you wanted to go for two extremes but the way it's written it's not so much interesting as it is predictable. The 'sheep' on one side and the 'wolf' on the other trope. Remember, split personality is a real thing and there are cases of it. More research in how to write it and add your own unique twist to it would be recomended. It's the same how not all psychopaths are killers. Heck, Sherlock Holmes is considered a high functional psychopath by many and that's just down to good writing in his character.

Plus, appearing cold, calculating, unapproachable and fearless makes me think that you want her to look like a badass loner with a heart of gold deep down. That is another trope which, honestly I can't see her portraying very well judging from her attire and personality. It seems more like she's trying to throw a regal look upon herself despite wanting people to think that both humans and faunus are the same. That honestly is like someone dressed as a king saying to a baker, 'See? I'm just like you! Can't you tell?' Also, if her goal is to be a huntress, to make people be more sympathetic to faunus and also to get revenge on the White fang and her mother, why is she so focused on her clothing and looks this much?

Speaking of her outfits and her taste in regal things, long articles of clothing and giant long odachi sword, is seriously impractical for battle. Long clothing can snag, be grabbed, get in the way and  in windy areas gan be a seriously big hinderance. Plus, odachi swords were not practical for battle, or combat, Japanese swords like that were also never ment to parry. They lack that due to shape, size and also the method of forging. Heck in old times, a odachi sword user would often have a follower with him just to draw it a bit faster out of its sheath. It's a design that got reduced to mostly ceremonial use because of it's lack of use in battle.

And the abilities.... Just, way too much and it is written like a laundry list. Not to mention all the questions it asks. Where did she get training for all of this? Why would the Schnees make a specialized weapon (How did she even learn how to make blueprints?) for a faunus with a relative in the White fang? Heck how did she even pay for her school training, clothing, weapon or even got allowed in Beacon without proper credentials? Who's even looking after her brother while she's at Beacon? And that's not even all the plot holes.

IMHO your OC is poarderlinign Mary Sue syndrome and, i suggest a lot of rewriting.