User blog comment:Lux capacitor/Help please./@comment-25612705-20150116083120

Ooh long, very long, even by my standards (I'll admit I'm long-winded!). I'd suggest trying to streamline his page. Particularly the personality and background sections, as there is a lot of repetition going on there.

- First thing I'd suggest move the entire appearance section to the top, easier to read about a character when you have an idea of what they look like.

- Something I noticed in the personality section is that nearly every paragraph notes a personality change of some kind. Towards the end it starts to feel like Akiba has a serious case of split-personality disorder, which I suspect you picked up on too since you even felt you had to point out that he didn't ;) Generally I feel that if you have to defend something to yourself, then there's probably something that's not fitting right. I'd suggest losing a paragraph or two if you can to help with that.

For example, the detective portion of his personality section seems to backtrack over itself a lot. One sentence roughly says he thinks of the simpliest or most extremes, then that he thinks from multiple perspectives, etc, etc. You pretty much cover everything. So instead of actually noting everything, you could get the same point across with something simpler, like "when investigating, Akiba approaches every case with a serious eye. He leaves no stone unturned, and strives to imagine all possibilities."

- His attitude towards combat paragraph could be trimmed down and moved into the combat section.

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Holy moley, the backstory section is like a massive novel. You really only need like half of what's there. You just need the most basic, defining moments of his life. Take the rest make a seperate short story page of it. And imo, a lot of what's there is not helping your character. To be completely honest, Akiba reads as quite the Gary Stu. I'm sorry, I can't think of a better fitting term.

So my basic run down of the most major points in his backstory:

Let's start off with he's a rich kid from a wealth family, which apparently no one likes. Then on a family vacation to a resort turns into them meeting terrorists, an assassin, ninjas, and all at the same time! After surviving an attack from the assassin which resulted in the death of all the terrorists, and the ninjas hired to protect his family, and his parents. Akiba barely manages to get away. And after years of dealing with his social phobia, he attends a 'unique' school. Then he witnesses a murder and helps solve it! Then he's the target of an assassination attempt, but thwarts, not once but twice. But after being injured and his heart failing, his also critically injured friend offers his heart. And the doctors take it! Then about 2 months after these two guys have a open heart surgery they participate in a school wide free-for-all fight? Akiba gets a rejected from Beacon, only for Ozpin himself to show up and give Akiba a test that if passed will allow to attend Beacon. The test is Grimm extermination, no big deal just a unique grimm that twice his size, he defeats it no prob. Only to meet one twice as big as the previous one and defeats it too, earning his spot at Beacon.

- I'm not sure where to start tbh. There's so much going on here. The amount of 'impossible odds' achievements going on in Akiba's past would put the main cast of RWBY to shame. With all these crazy events and life or death situations centered around Akiba, it's a bit of a wonder the show wasn't about him, you know what I mean? '''The best advice I can give here is that, you don't need all these crazy events to make your character interesting or to give him purpose. It's not the past that defines someone but who they choose to be that will make them someone to admire and relate too.'''

- The heart transplant part. I'm afraid to say that no hospital or doctor would ever authorize taking a heart out of a critically injured person to put in another person, then put the one who donated the heart on an artificial pump. They wouldn't make twice as much work for themselves, they'd just put the one whose heart was failing on the artificial heart pump. This whole situation makes no sense. Also, you said the heart surgeon wasn't there. So the on-site staff would not have been able to perform any kind of heart surgery anyway, which voids your whole story.

- In RWBY it took all of team JNPR working together to kill that Death Stalker. I can't imagine Ozpin sending one busted up kid (still recovering from heart transplant surgery mind you) against something of similar size alone. Also, I think you might run into trouble for having too much canon interaction with him.

- And I noticed a few spelling errors, but Akiba was spelt incorrectly the most throughout his bio page. May want to double check that, especially since you mention about 13 other characters in it. Speaking of which this is Akiba's story so you really don't need to mention so many other characters since most of them play very small roles in who he is his.

I'm sorry I didn't get farther than that, it's getting awfully late here But I hope something here is helpful and I apologize if it's not. Hopefully you'll get Akiba to a place where you're ready to put him up for review again :) Good luck!