Talk:A Minor meeting with Lucinda/@comment-17711993-20150621110650

Guess I'll start with conventions.

Word choice here is spot on for the most part, but there are a few spots here and there to fix in order to keep the tone of the piece consistent. For example, the second paragraph has the piece "As he listened closely to his boss' music" in it. The first paragraph set a nice, natural tone, but not too casual. The word "boss" threw me for a loop, as I would have expected somewhere more along the lines of Lucinda, or maybe even cut off the "to his boss' music".

Now onto characters.

Zephesto was given some characterization, admittedly. Although, it more indicates an inquisitive nature than rather a husk of his former self. Not the character I was really expecting. I don't feel that "an extension of his employer's personality" seems to fit him, from what I've been given here. It's obvious that he even has the moments where he reflects on his employer. In my opinion, if he really was a husk, then he wouldn't even have those kinds of thoughts in the first place. More like, admires or respects her.

Lucinda does give the air of someone who's incredibly clever, but I can see major flaws in her way of thinking. If I did apply her way of thinking, then everyone besides me, my family, and those I know would be potential targets for murder, which is even more unreasonable, now that I think about it. If a blow must be followed with other blows, then why does a song end? After all, you did put that as a sort of metaphor.

Not that I think character contradictions are wrong, in a sense. After all, no one is absolutely perfect. One can have a character say something wrong without realizing it. It's just that I feel the execution of the logic, and even the logic itself, degrades my vision of Lucinda's wisdom and cunning. I am, or was, expecting her to be this sort of all-encompassing supergenius, to put it in overly dramatic terms.

The story was overall better quality in terms of the tone, conventions, and even character development and plot compared to other fictions on this Fanon, which IMO, should have more of. I just think you'll need to revise some things in terms of how you portray certain characters and the plot.

-Ray